Today is the day after Christmas.
The second year that I haven’t been home and boy, was it messy. In more ways than one. I went to bed on Christmas Eve with homesickness at an all time high. I woke up on Christmas morning with a bad attitude and homesickness even more than it was the night before.
There have been some things that I’ve been walking through this go-round. Things like feeling so loved by the Lord that it makes me cry during my quiet time. Things like friendships being born and people being healed and getting saved. Things like learning to dance because the Lord has told me that this year is one of freedom and abundance. There was also a week in between all of that where I felt super lonely but I got through it with a little help from the Lord.
But this week, it’s been different.
I have always felt loved by the Lord. Just a few weeks ago I felt it so strong that I literally could do nothing but talk about it and talk to strangers about it. But, what do I do when I don’t tangibly feel that love? What do I do when I have a head knowledge that the Lord loves me but then the feeling goes away?
I learned this week that I crumble.
I turn into a lot of mush when I feel like the Lord is distant. I turn into a hot mess when I feel like the Lord’s love is based on a feeling and I see the relationships in my life through that lens. Because when I don’t “feel” loved, I don’t love well. When I don’t “feel” loved by the Lord, I don’t “feel” loved by the people around me. When Him and people are distant, I take that as a lack of love. The ugly messiness of my heart and soul comes out. I seek affirmation from anything but the Lord. I am driven by performance and perfection.
Because, what I’m learning is that when I don’t “feel” loved then I think I have lost the love of the Lord which shows that I feel as though I have to earn the love of the Lord. When I am sitting under the Lord’s love, I just in turn receive love from others better and I love others better. When I am in the mindset of earning and losing the love of the Lord then I have that same mindset for the people in my life. That I have to earn their love and in turn, they have to earn mine.
So, the other day when I woke up really struggling with this. You know, feeling completely forgotten by people in my life even though deep down I know it isn’t true. I texted a friend and she responded with something like “you need to declare truth over yourself, out loud, even if you feel silly.” Well, good thing that on this particular morning I was walking out the door to machete a jungle.
So, with a sword in hand and tall boots on, I slayed some dragons in the form of bamboo and jungle plants. I slashed and slashed and as I did I said out loud things that I am. That I am redeemed and remembered and healed and seen and known and loved. The list goes on and on. And as I said those things out loud, I was slashing away at the lies of being forgotten or overlooked. Of being unloved and not missed. I was tearing down those thoughts that I had let the enemy run away with over the last week.
Because here’s the thing, I was in the mindset of wanting people to feel sorry for me. Of wanting people to join my pity party that all my friends are home with their families and they aren’t living in the jungle where they sweat constantly and the wifi sucks.
The Lord always gives me a glimpse into what the next “season” of life is going to be. Before heading to the jungle, I had a feeling it was going to be a hard few weeks. I didn’t know this was going to be it. I didn’t know that I would choose to pick up the chains that the Lord died to set me free from. I am free from old ways of doing relationships. I am free from living in fear that relationships will end at the drop of a hat. I am free from all of those things.
But I’m living like I am chained. I am living like a prisoner. I am living like He hasn’t died for me. I am living in a whole lot of fear that there’s not enough, that I’m forgotten, that I’m not seen, loved or wanted.
I don’t normally like The Message version of the bible but today while I was digging into 1 John trying to get a grasp and a handle on this whole love thing, I read this:
“There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life-fear of death , fear of judgement- is one not yet fully formed in love.” 1 John 4:18
And it goes on to say:
“We, though, are going to love- love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first…. If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both.” 1 John 4:19-21
It all overflows into each other. If I don’t know or understand that God first loved me just because He loves me, not because I have to earn it but just because He does, then I will never understand the love from people around me or how to love them well. If I don’t grasp that love isn’t a feeling then I will always be on a high when I feel loved and on a low when I don’t. I will be striving when really He just tells me to be still.
Just be still. Stop striving. Stop trying to control. Stop trying to hold onto things that aren’t meant to be mine to hold onto. Stop living out of fear. Start living out of knowing and believing that I am loved.
Always loved.
In the midst of all of this messiness, the teams and I had the opportunity to go to the orphanage on Christmas Day. I got to be part of the group taking pictures of the whole day and it was awesome. There was dancing, a puppet show, crafts, cookie decorating, a scavenger hunt and a really, really muddy obstacle course. There was also turkey, mashed potatoes and rolls. It was a beautiful day of gaining some heavenly perspective on what this is all about. It’s about love, how ironic. It’s not about gifts. It’s just about loving those in your space and the ones that are distant.
I leave with the squad in just a few days to head to India!!! It will be the longest travel “day” of my life. We will spend a few days, including New Years, in Canada and then at least 30 hours of plane hopping to India for the next three months. Keep the squad in your prayers as we make the transition into a completely different country. Also, I am only about $500 short of being fully funded for my squad leading. To keep me on the field, maybe consider giving a Christmas or Birthday gift to my account?? I can’t do this without every single one of you and I am forever grateful for all of you and all that you do for me.
