I’d been having the same conversation with God 24 hours a day for over a week: “God, I do NOT understand how I can POSSIBLY walk out the door in a month and say, ‘bye mom, see you in a year, hope chemo doesn’t suck too bad!’” That conversation continued in the car on my way back from my meeting in Alexandria (read part 2).
…the last blog I wrote before my mom was diagnosed with cancer says this:
“it's funny, because even after my whole life being rearranged in perfect timing for me to race in September, I've still been asking the Lord for confirmation that this is where He wants me. I guess I wasn't satisfied with the $100 check I got from a woman I met on a plane, or the $500 donation from a woman I met in a bar, or the way my work so wonderfully has supported me and extended an opportunity to go back after the race, or the way my friends have stepped up and given more than they have to give; I was still waiting for Jesus to look me in the eye and say ‘yes, this is where I want you.’ … I've got all the confirmation I need.”
the Lord reminded me of this, and He said to me, “you don’t get to understand this one…you just have to go.”
So I get back to the hospital with my mom, and I say, “mom…I think I’m still supposed to go,” and she immediately responds, “yeah, I’ve been feeling that way, too.”
Peace. For the first time, peace. I don’t have to understand, I JUST have to go. Just get on the plane. Just go.
August 9, 2011. My women's bible study is studying Matthew 12:43-50. The section where Jesus is interrupted by his mom and his brothers who want to talk to Him, and He says, “Who is my mother and who are my brothers? The one who does the work of My Father, that person is my brother and my sister and my mother.” My B.Stud. leader points out that Jesus’ family was urgent, but Jesus basically tells everyone there that the work of God is more important. Then she asks,
“do any of you have an example of when the 'urgent' tried to trump the 'important' in your life?”
I wasn’t even going to tell my bible study that my family has cancer. I had told them I needed prayer for my mom, but I did NOT want pity, so I wasn’t going to give specifics…until that question. Then I KNEW God was telling me to open up. My mom has cancer (URGENT) – but I have 8 months of affirmation piling up telling me that the World Race is what God has for me this year (IMPORTANT).
My leader handed me the note card she had written the question on when she prepared the study and she said to me, “keep this, now you have more affirmation.”
August 10, 2011. Pathology comes back, the oncologist calls, and the cancer was NOT in the 12 lymph nodes. Not a single one. It was entirely contained in the tumor, and my mom now officially has Stage 1A Cancer…not 3C. (and I got to say "I told you so" because I started saying immediately that it was not in her lymph nodes in Jesus' name)
September 6, 2011: I board a plane to meet A Squad in Atlanta for launch before heading to Romania to BEGIN MY RACE.
Cancer tried to keep me from racing – God has used it to tell me this (so far):
-God has plans for my family for this upcoming year, GOOD plans.
-Obedience is not comfortable, but there is absolute peace in the discomfort.
-Love is going to break my heart from time to time – but loving so much that words like “I have cancer” shatters my heart, that’s the kind of love God gives.
Hallelujah.
Give your whole heart and your whole life to Jesus – He died for you so that you could, and you don’t have to understand it completely, you just have to go. All you have to understand is that He has invited you because of His love, which is so powerful that it conquers death, moves mountains, cures cancer, and died and rose again to free YOU from all the burden you carry that separates you from Him. Just go. He explains it more along the way, and gives unimaginable peace – even when your mom has cancer and you're about to leave the country for 11 months.
