“'I’m sorry'….I just needed the 'I’m sorry.'”
An apology was required of me yesterday.
And I didn’t want to give it.
Well, I wanted to…but I wanted to attach to it what I wanted to attach.
I wanted them to know XYZ about the situation that had occurred.
I wanted them to see the good…to be able to walk away with the good…despite what I had done.
But that wasn’t what was required of me in that moment.
That wasn’t what love required in that moment.
Let Me rebuild, Kacie.
* * *
I’ve been in Ezra lately…Ezra which led me to Haggai…(same time period, BFF's ;o)).
It’s all about rebuilding the house of the Lord in Jerusalem.
Rebuild.
I know I haven’t written much in the last week, but this past month has been one of figuring out that I can’t do things on my own. (Surprise!) My will power is terrible, my strength is lacking, my love is wavering…all on my own, I really don’t stand a chance.
With a combination of uncontrollable situations and my reactions to them this past month, I managed to get myself into a valley of sorts. A valley that wasn’t completely foreign…one that was actually way too familiar.
It was a place that I was still hearing from the Lord…but still most definitely in a valley. One in which He was asking me to stay in long enough to glean the lessons that come with the valley.
Sometimes I will have a revelation of something, and I think that that means that I can move on. I believe that I’m cured of it. But a revelation of being in a valley doesn’t change the fact that I’m there.
And recognition of being in a place where the only place I can look is up…with full awareness that I need God in order to function at all…does not mean that I’m now operating as one that needs God.
So, there I was…or perhaps here I am…in this valley. This valley: where I’m being asked to destroy everything that I went back there to find.
You know, in Joshua, just a little after the battle of Jericho, a man named Achan found himself in a valley. He had taken and kept something that he was supposed to destroy. The whole army of Israel suffered for it…they couldn’t even stand before their enemies while the thing he kept was still present amongst them.
So, these old things that are still readily available if I choose to go back to them…because they were never destroyed, just merely hidden…must be destroyed. Not destroyed partially…because partial obedience is not obedience at all…but completely.
And as these things get destroyed…He’s saying it's time to rebuild.
The structures that I try to set up for myself…because I think that’s how I’m going to succeed…He’s asking me to set those aside.
Because I found out last month that my structures don’t work…my plans don’t work…my methods and regiments and lists…are failing.
He doesn’t want MY structure.
Let me rebuild, Kacie.
* * *
Let me rebuild.
So, after many moments of staring into the night sky, I looked at my teammate and said, “I’m sorry…for today and for my previous apology…I’m sorry.”
If I’m going to let Him rebuild…my pride has got to step aside.
I’m pretty sure pride was the foundation of all my structures…which is probably why not a single one of them was able to stand.
