"I would never want to team lead…I just love being a teammate…" I said in conversation to a fellow squadmate during our last week in Mozambique.
We arrived in Swaziland for mini-debrief on Tuesday night. The schedule was posted for the next few days. I noticed all these obligations that finance people and team leaders had…so as my current team leader, Julie, came in and was looking at the schedule, I commented, "Man, I'm glad I'm not either of those things…look at all the stuff they have to do…"
Julie narrowed her eyes at me and said, "I declare Kacie Callison team leader for debrief…" and slammed her fist on the table.
Not more than an hour later…
"Kacie, can I see you for a minute…" Kayla, our squad leader, asked me.
We walked outside.
"How would you feel about…(sheer terror building on my face)…being a team leader this month?"
Sheer terror morphed into me crying…
She gave me time to think about it…I walked to my room…and just cried. And then I pouted…I pouted because I knew I couldn't say no. I felt like 'no' was a deliberate rejection.
So, eventually I said yes…but I still pouted. I wallowed. I ate…ice cream and salt and vinegar chips.
In a conversation unrelated to this situation, my friend, Jesse, said to me, "Sometimes I've been obedient to the Lord…like done what He asked me to do…but then I complained and whined through the aftermath…and then didn't really let Him do what He could do…"
And then it hit me.
This past month was seriously my favorite month thus far. I was so happy being a racer…I was enjoying my team…and I was even learning to cope with life the way the Lord was asking me to….
Then a shift happened. All of a sudden, I didn't want the position in life that was in front of me. I didn't want it at all…and I told that to the Lord over and over again. And instead of coping with this desire dilemma that I was having by going to Him…I pouted by taking back my old ways of coping.
In my head, I said I was being obedient…but I don't think that's the kind of obedience the Lord asks for.
Last month, I liked my position…therefore coped the way the Lord was asking me to.
This month, I didn't like this position the Lord was calling me to…so I coped the way I wanted to.
But partial obedience is not really obedience at all.
I can't keep fighting to have part of my way in the things He's taking me into. It can't be my way of life + His way of coping OR His way of life + My way of coping. It has to be HIS way of life + His way of coping…any other way is miserable.
I don't want to be a vessel that constantly asks, "Why are You using me?…Why are you using me for this?"
I think it's okay to be humbled by the fact that He did choose me…and even be surprised by what He chooses to use me for…but not questioning…not pouting…not wallowing…not requesting to be used for something else.
So…Month 8. New country. New position. New team.
Father…just what exactly are You up to?
