Thursday, May 30
A friend shared his struggle with me today. How he loves the things of You: Prayer, worship, fellowship, etc…but does he really love YOU? Are You enough?
Lord, is that at the core of my struggle? If I thought You were enough, wouldn't I act differently?
There was a month I dated a guy…and things were good. I didn't need to just keep eating and eating when we were out together…being with him was enough.
I didn't seek others' attention or approval…because I was with him…and that was enough.
And that was an imperfect person…and an imperfect relationship….but is that a glimpse of what I need to grab hold of?
How can that become real to me? How can Your presence be so real and certain and strong that it holds me?
Show me how to love You.
Not with what You do for me or things around You or things You say…but just….You.
Love. What promise comes with love?
We're commanded to love…which can only mean that we can choose to do it.
Which is contrary to what the world tells us.
Because if we can't choose it, then we can't 'help' it, and then we're no longer responsible for it.
But we can choose.
In life, we evaluate if we want to love. We may not even realize it.
We're attracted to something…or someone.
We test out the relationship. We decide if it's worth investing in.
For me, if I feel like I won't be loved in return, I hold out or even get out.
But I'm assured of God's love. Absolutely assured…
Now, about these commands that accompany this walk…
We tend to view a command as some awful thing…like 'who is He to command me?'
Well…He's God…first of all.
Second of all…He's asking you to love Him.
The God of this universe…the Creator of it all…is standing before you and requesting your love. All of your love.
That doesn't sound like a command or demand of a tyrant.
And then, place yourself there. In His shoes. In front of someone you're crazy about…and your words to them are: "Love me…" Knowing that they may not choose to.
I can hardly grasp or wrap my mind around the strength of this kind of vulnerability.
Actually I can't at all.
Monday, June 3
Still trying. Still trying to grasp even an element of the request or command to love Him.
I realized today, talking to one of my teammates, that if I was given a husband…if I was to get married right now…I would love him more than the Lord.
I would love him more than the Lord.
My desire for a husband is not even one of prominence…
I mean, I want one. I want a marriage…like an incredible one…but that desire isn't consuming my waking moments.
I say that to say…I would still love him more than the Lord.
And the Lord knows that.
And still says to me, "Love Me."
I don't get it.
