Squad leading so far has been an incredible experience that has grown me and shaped me and challenged me in ways that I didn’t see coming.
Side note :: I am convinced, now more than ever, that this is why Jesus doesn’t give us all the details before we say yes. If we knew what was coming, we probably wouldn’t say yes!
Before I left in August, one of my best friends from my World Race (the other Acie) came to the last night of launch in Atlanta to see me off, because that is just how wonderful she is. She had secretly talked to some of my dearest friends and collected notes from them and stuck them into an envelope. You can imagine my surprise when I opened the envelope in the quiet of my hotel room at the end of the night, expecting to find just a letter from her but instead found a handful of them! I cried I was so thankful.
Throughout the course of these four months (IT’S ALREADY BEEN FOUR MONTHS?!!) I have pulled out those notes from my people whenever I need a dose of encouragement. One of them ends with, “You can do hard things, believe it! We believe in you.”
Another side note :: TO HAVE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN YOU IS EVERYTHING. But that could be a whole other blog post! So for now I’ll just say…#blessed
I remember when I read that the night before I was to leave for India to begin this crazy journey of squad leading, I wasn’t convinced of those words at all.
Can I?, I thought. Can I do hard things? Do I have what it takes to do this job well? Am I the right person?
Traveling around foreign countries by myself intimidated me. Meeting a squad of 50 strangers scared me. Not knowing who my co-leaders were….or if I would have any ;)….freaked me out.
What if I don’t know what to do or how to handle a situation? What am I getting myself into?? Why did my alumni sql think I would be good at this??
But guess what – I can do hard things. I can handle far more than I thought! Four months in, I can say that it has been an incredible honor to lead Wonder Church. To hear their stories, to cry with them, laugh with them, celebrate with them, live life with them. I still can’t believe that I get to be a part of this!
It hasn’t been easy though. It has certainly come with it’s challenges and hard things, but man am I thankful for that.
To have the hard conversations and to carry the hard things, it can be exhausting and exhilarating, sometimes all at the same time. Sometimes I feel fully alive and sometimes I feel completely worn out. Sometimes I just want to hide because I don’t know if I can handle more. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing left to give.
It has pushed me into a place of desperation for the Lord. I have needed Him in a way that I never have before. I have come before Him completely empty and at a loss of what to do, begging Him to be my joy. My strength. My hope.
I’ve learned a lot of things in these four months, but more than anything I am learning that I really, desperately, wholly, and completely need Jesus. Every day.
I know that sounds like the obvious answer. The no-brainer, the “duh, Kaci! Shouldn’t you know that already?”
I do know that. It is the obvious answer. But I also think we are pretty good at surviving on our own, apart from God. We can get a job, we can essentially make enough money to live whatever kind of lifestyle we want. We can take care of ourselves and have an okay life. Am I right?
There is a song by Will Reagan called Need You More.
The lyrics are pretty simple…
I need You more
I need You more
I need You more than my very breath
I bow before
I bow before
I bow before the Lord of Lords
I cannot tell you how many times I have sang the words to this song and then gone on with my day as if these words meant nothing at all. Sometimes I have to say words over and over again for them to sink deep, for my heart to really understand the depth of them.
My heart begs the question, how do I live a life that leads to needing Him more?
It is in the surrender that we say I need You more.
It is in the bowing down that we say have Your way.
It is a lifestyle. It is a choice. And it shouldn’t be dependent on our circumstances.
Whether we are on the mountaintop or in the valley. Whether we are living in the bush of Malawi, Africa or the city of Atlanta, USA. Whether we are in the middle of our seemingly mundane 9-5 work week, or if we have hours of free time every day. Whether we make $100,000/year or $20,000/ year…or if we are completely reliant on others for our income #missionarylife. Whether we are a missionary or an orthodontist or an artist.
It requires a letting go of, a heart posture of surrender.
My ability to “do hard things” has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him…less of me and more of Him. (John 3:30) When we step out beyond our limits, He steps in. Every. single. time. It is a I don’t know the what, but I do know YOU, so yes I will follow You act of obedience.
We do need the Lord. We desperately need Him. But will we choose Him?
I am desperate for a desperate heart.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol;
Nor will you allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is FULLNESS OF JOY;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:8-11
