Here’s the news; old news for those who know and new news for those who don’t.
I’m squad leading in September for 11 months.
A quick snapshot of what ‘Squad Leading’ looks like is this: investing deeply in individuals, encouraging and reminding them (and myself) of the Lord’s faithfulness and goodness, team health, teaching, participating in ministry with teams, creating spiritual culture, having fun and having laughs.
Can I share something with you? Like something that probably shouldn’t be said?
I don’t relish leaving.
There. It’s out. I said it. Whew.
Training was incredible, as per usual. Incredible teachings were brought, freedom was had and experienced, and the week was heavy with the Lord’s presence. Even amidst the excitement and noise and novelty of training camp, which just ended last week, weaving in and out of people who will be squad for the entire year, and winning the Squad Leader dance off (say wut), I can say with certainty: my heart isn’t all there. I feel like that’s the only thing I can say with certainty these days. That and the seemingly contradictory belief that this is another year He’s calling me to.
I’ve wrestled with this decision over and over and over again, praying for the Lord to loudly say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to my hard of hearing spirit. Some days I’m feeling ready and some days I wonder if I continually hear the Lord incorrectly. Some days I’m looking up a couple of necessities I need to grab before I head out again (REI travel french press mug. Hellooo.), and some days I’m looking up Bill’s email to tell him I made a mistake in my decision. Some days I’m dreaming about seeing sweet friends in Nepal and Malaysia, maybe holding an eagle in Mongolia or ordering Ramen from a vending machine in Japan (I read that somewhere…) and then there’s some days I’m thinking up situations that result in a broken leg or a medical emergency that’s not too serious but serious enough to keep me from going (Hey true story. I’m just being honest).
I was talking to my friend, Chris, about a year ago. He was on the cusp of saying yes to YWAM for 2 more years after having already fulfilled a 2 year commitment.
Man, that’s awesome and exciting! I said to him. Yeah it is. But it’s BIG. It’s another 2 years. was his response.
I remember that conversation clearly because the Lord used YWAM to turn Chris’s world upside down. He loved it there. But there was slight hesitation etched on his face. It wasn’t misgiving; just uncertainty. I remember thinking, Bro, you have an awesome life right now.
I didn’t understand his underlying hesitation then. I understand now.
I’m Chris. I feel it when I talk to other people about it, that quick look of surprise that flashes across their face when I tell them I’m not excited to leave. I can imagine thoughts swirling around their minds. I know because I was once there. It’s not a bad thing that they don’t understand because I don’t even understand.
There’s a longing in my heart for deep rootedness, for longevity of place and of people, for long term transformation. Those are all good things; things that I’ve passionately nurtured in my heart over the years and things I believe are from the Lord, even during this season.
The seemingly conflicting mash of what I’m doing and where my heart is doesn’t concern me. Papa God reminds me that it’s fine, and even normal, to be conflicted. He cares for the uncertainty of my heart, messiness and fickleness and all. He reminds me that He entered into broken world to bring resolve through Jesus. That doesn’t mean our messiness immediately disappears, but it does show that He knew what He was getting into. He knew this wouldn’t be a cake walk. So why try to hide it all? The World Race loves people who don’t have things figured out but are willing to admit the disarray in their lives and put forth the effort the Lord calls them to, even when it is one of their trip leaders.
