The past 4 weeks have been the hardest on the Race. I won't deny that. I've succumbed more to indifference and apathy more than I care to admit. I've wished myself home to family and friends and comfort more times than I can count, yet I'm still here – still lying in a bug net, still drinking instant coffee, still wearing the same old shirts and still waiting 4-5 days before I take a shower.
A lot of times I forget that every part of my life is not normalcy back home. Though life consists of hikes through the Himalayas and walking the busy streets of Ho Chi Minh City and even sleeping a literal stone's throw away from the Nile River, this is still my life. And my life never seems as grand as the next person's.

I try to invent the next big blog that will capture your attention or, even better yet, AIM's attention so I can become listed on the coveted 'Featured Blogs' section. i missed the big picture. I wanted affirmation from people through my blogs rather than praying and using them as a tool. Suffice to say that for the past 2 months, and probably even longer, I've been missing it.

You see, the trouble with blogs and stories and videos is that you hardly ever see the ugly. You read the background, a brief struggle, and then a nicely formed conclusion. The problem with living a 'missionary life' is exactly what I wrote about last time. It becomes monotony; it becomes normal, routine, borderline legalism. I do feedback now because I have to. I lead a team because I have to. I do ministry because that's just what I do every day. It's almost like brushing your teeth. I rarely enjoy brushing my teeth; it's just something that I need to do.

Words that once brought life only bring eye rolls. Conversations become habitual rather than heart felt. Days are full of work and routine rather than joy and fascination. I remember wishing away my time before the Race to come on this trip only to discover I'm wishing away the Race to get back home. It's always something else, something other than this, whatever 'this' may be for you or for me.

I don't have some great biblical epiphany or amazing story of someone being healed or saved. What I'm writing won't get me featured; it probably isn't very exciting to read. Oh well. I guess I don't care because He's bringing back perspective in my heart. Jesus absolutely fascinated me before the Race. I couldn't breathe in enough of His name. Every new day was an opportunity to love Him more and make known His love to others. These days I find myself searching for the complicated ways and the deep, thought provoking ideas to boost my pride. Three things pop into my head as I'm searching for a restart, a refresh, or just a pause in life.

We function out of relationship, first with our Father, and then with other people

When in doubt, return to the Founder

I love because He first loved me

It's nothing I don't know. It's nothing that's mindblowing. It's just great truths that I turned into weak statements of faith; statements to argue points and sound wise instead of allowing them shape my heart and change my perspective. And that's the brilliance of it. When the words become so real and tangible, so palpable you can hold them in your hands. They aren't some ideas floating around our heads just beyond our grasp. It isn't intellectual bulimia. They're truths that have finally found birth in our hearts, not just our heads.

My words fail. Jesus never fails. My spirit is tired. His Spirit runs and never grows weary. My heart is frail and weak. His heart beats strong. I succumb to my flesh time and time again. He never once caved. I'm inadequate, for any and all tasks before me. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses.

Thank You Jesus that You're at work in me because You want to be, not because I've sought You enough. Thank You for grace undeserved and love unconditional.