Haunted by the lyrics of an Adele song I’ve already listened to fifty billion trillion and one times, restless, hopeful, my thoughts get the best of me. Reminded that life is the same here as it is there, cautiously optimistic, careful not to put the next year on a pedestal, it’s tough not to get dreamy eyed listening to mushy, happy songs. I’m a big bowl of mashed potatoes right now. Somehow, today never satisfies, like dreaming of summer in the midst of winter, it’s just hopeless abandon. I click repeat and the song plays again.
I’ve been scanning blogs online recently, craving good words, words that thaw my soul in the depth of this bitter winter. Somehow, a good writer can take me so far beyond the confines of my heart and whisk me somewhere else, anywhere but here, now. Indian summer came, and left New York and somewhere along the way it passed me by and I never noticed or appreciated it. Like life.
Thirty one years blur by me, pinned to a playground carousel as children play and push me faster, faster. Stomach sick, thinking of all the years I’ve lost walking wounded, and I can’t go back. So I push forward, impossibly tired, worn thin as transparent tracing paper. Adele's voice resonates through my head and my heart lifts out of its cage. The song repeats, yet again.
Dinner conversations snap me back, and I’m here in New York again. I don’t recognize anyone around me, the faceless strangers an ocean of lost promise. They are sick souls in need of a Savior. Discouragement hangs heavy over me and I ponder, “How can I help anyone here?”
I didn’t know his name at the time, but Dan sat across from me and listened intently as I spoke to everyone else, but him. I get comfortable in my circle of friends and that’s not good. Nudging his chair closer to the table, Dan leaned in and asked, “What’s next for you? Are you going to stay here another six months?”
A crooked smile eclipses my face and my purpose here becomes poignantly clear in seconds. I laid it bare, all eleven countries, eleven months and this year long adventure deep into the heart of God. He was taken aback, I think. Astounded, I hope. He is a God of unpredictability and I certainly don’t claim to understand His plan, but I do trust it’s better than anything I could come up with. There’s no way could I have planned this. I can only fall to my knees at the beauty and sheer immensity of God. Adele’s voice sings through my soul, my heart swoons, and I desire nothing but to know Him more.
