If you saw someone walking around who was bleeding profusely from their side, or maybe they had a terrible head injury, you would probably stop and at least ask why in the world they’re not in a hospital, right? What if they looked at you with a little shame and a whole lot more denial and said nothing was wrong. You would be quickly convinced the bigger problem was this persons way of thinking, not their injuries. Why? Because walking around with a crippling injury and pretending like everything is ok is not normal, it’s also deadly and it’s basically insane.
“So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18 HCSB)”
I’m referencing this passage because Paul is talking to the church of Corinth about how the body and visible things are temporary but the spirit and the unseen is eternal. I’m not going to go into anymore context there but the idea that I see is that God equates physical things with little importance compared to things of the spiritual realm. So then, going back to our mortal wounds that are physical and our reaction to them… you can see where I’m going with this right? Spiritual wounds are a BIG deal!
Now it seems pretty crazy to be wandering around church in leadership or roles of responsibility with deep mortal spiritual wounds. You can only keep up a face for so long and given enough time those wounds begin to bleed into the relationships and bonds you are forming with the people around you. You will often find yourself trying to clean up the blood and mistakes without anyone knowing. You’ll hide the problem and usually you can’t hide the blood stains and mistakes you make truthfully. Just like the physical wounds, it’s only a matter of time until someone sees the blood leaking through your double layered cotton shirts with a flannel pulled over. You start stumbling and falling around, unable to walk normally.
This is a reality in the spiritual world even more so. You CANNOT function forever in roles of leadership and responsibility while your spiritual wounds are bleeding and developing serious infections. Sometimes you need to step back and tell people that you’re not ok. You need to take off whatever it is your hiding all the blood and infection behind and get admitted to the hospital. You need to cry out for help and admit you aren’t as healthy as people think you are.
So it’s time for a hospital trip… And I am the one who needs to go. For the last three years, I have been heavily involved in my church, in worship, in the youth group as a leader and someone with a lot of responsibility. I went on a crazy and amazing journey called The World Race and only the most holy of holy people can go on those! (that’s SO not true, but too many people elevate missionaries above others, which is not ok! But it’s also a different rant for a different day…). While all of this was happening I have not addressed my actual spiritual condition. I’ve been afraid to face the reality of how bad my injuries are, a lot of which have been self inflicted by poor decisions, and I chose to say I was fine and I didn’t want to admit the where I was really at.
As my journey on The Race has progressed, I have been eaten away inside because of where I know people think I am and where I’m really at. I feel like I’ve been trapped because everyone believes I must have a flourishing relationship with Jesus. After this trip I must be incredibly close to Him. The reality is that it’s not, it’s weak and almost nonexistent. I have been struggling with sin and not dealing with it. I haven’t invested time or effort into my relationship with Jesus.
There’s a difference between investing in the Kingdom, and investing in your relationship with God. If you don’t just spend time with The Father and further that relationship then your ability to invest in the kingdom through your actions is severely stunted.
Last week, I confessed some things to my brother, Brady. We decided it would be a good idea to bring our squad mentor Jeremy and our squad coach Randy into the situation. I spent a good part of my day on the phone with them yesterday as I confessed where I was at spiritually. In the end, they came to the decision that it was best for my spiritual health that I come home early.
That was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had. At first I was really confused, I was torn up inside at the idea. My heart hurt so badly at what was unraveling before me. The reality that I would be leaving all of the relationships I’ve spent so much time with for the last 10 months. I was afraid when they found out I was leaving, that they would think less of me, they would judge me or view me as a failure. And believe me, I was feeling like a failure. I felt like I blew it. I was absolutely distraught over the situation.
As I began to talk with a couple people and my team last night, I confessed my fears and all the lies I was having a really hard time seeing as lies. My team, my brothers, and my friends rallied behind me and began speaking real truth into my heart.
When I told my squad this morning while we waited for a bus in Granada, Nicaragua at 5:45am, my family away from home, that I would not be joining them for our final month of ministry in Costa Rica, I was met with only love and acceptance. I’ve never experienced a love so unconditional and absolutely blind to my failures outside of my family. It was incredible.
So I want to publicly say that on Wednesday, July 1st I’ll be on my way back to the U.S.A.. I want everyone to know that God has been so faithful in showing up in all of this. He has given me a peace that 24 hours ago I did not know I could have. My heart still hurts a lot. I will miss the incredible family I have on this Squad, I will miss the final month of ministry with my incredible team. I know the next couple of months and beyond will have some deep pain in them. I know a lot of people back home will have questions.
As my friend Ana said to me last night, I’m still on Lsquad and finishing strong, but the end of my Race is going to look a little different then everyone else’s. I don’t view my Race as over, as if I didn’t finish it… I did at first. I felt like a failure. I still do struggle with feeling like I’ve absolutely failed. But I know that this is what I needed to do to finish my Race strong.
So, to bring this full circle, here’s where I am:
I am sad that it came to this to make me realize where I was at spiritually. I’m sad I’m leaving the great group of people earlier than I expected to. I’m scared about the future. I’m afraid of what people will think when I come home. I’m afraid of what my family will think.. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I’m incredibly humbled…
There’s a lot of harsh reality that is still setting in for me. But here are a couple more things I know:
I will not let this take away from the glory God deserves for the incredible things I’ve been apart of on this trip.
I do not view the last 10 months as a waste.
This is one more part in an incredible and amazing journey God has planned out for me.
I am still apart and love my family that is Lsquad.
I get to see all of my friends and my family a little sooner than expected and I’m not going to let this steal ANY of the joy of those reunions! And as you read this and you are one of those people who are going to be waiting for me back in Illinois… please don’t let it steal any joy for you either!
I don’t know what home will look like for me. To those I will see soon, the last thing I want is for you to be afraid of me. Please don’t treat me like a wounded animal. Feel free to ask me about the Race. There are still PLENTY of awesome, crazy, funny or amazing stories of God’s love and grace and glory that I want to share. Don’t be afraid to ask about where I’m at right now. Understand that I may only be willing to talk about so much right now. I am still healing and will be healing and being restored for I imagine quite a while. So respect that fact. But I’m not afraid to say what I’m comfortable sharing right now, so don’t be afraid to ask me!
Just to answer some basic questions:
I’ll be staying in Costa Rica with my team tonight, then heading to the airport tomorrow for a plane back to Illinois.
I don’t have a method of transportation or income currently. I’m trusting God and I know it’s all going to be ok.
I love yall who have been behind me and allowing God to work through you in all of this.
This is MY month 11 of The World Race.. Let’s Go!
