I been wanting so badly to write. Not for the joy of accomplishing a blog, but to share my heart..
It's funny, because I've been stalling-waiting for a "good time," to write. Waiting until my heart is where it SHOULD be. But thinking about it as i sit in front of my window, it seems like that would be selling my God short.
My walk with God has taken me down a different path this year. If i were to visualize it, it would be a narrow path (go figure) with little walking room-hardly enough for one person, let alone myself AND the Creator of the universe. But i remember when He and i stopped at a crossroads of paths. I remember the day well and that the decision was easy. We had several options, but He gave me his sight to see where i needed to go and the sin and baggage i would have to leave behind. But with His vision, it was clearly worth it. I didn't ask any questions this time. I just walked.
At the gate, it seemed so easy. God gave me reassurance that this was it-that i was going the right way. And for a couple of months of walking it was great. I felt as though i could see God. I guess it's easy to see Him when you're riding on His shoulders. But something changed half-way through. I asked Him to put me down-to let me give this trail a try. The ground surprised me with dry grass and dead weeds that bit at the bottom of my bare feet. The weeds growing over the trail were suddenly taller as i was roughly 5 to 6 feet shorter, and couldn't see what was ahead. Down on ground level, the noise grew louder and louder. If God had been speaking, it was only another hum drowning in chorus of distractions. I got scared. I wondered if i was really supposed to be there-forgetting the clear image of God's perfection when we first walked through. The baggage i left at the gates were quickly missed and longed for once more, so i picked them back up. And for a while i forgot that i had even started the trail with someone else. What was his name again?
But I've recently found myself at a stopping point. Frightened, alone, and in the middle of nowhere. The perfect opportunity for the enemy to whisper lies into the wind blowing around me. I now get the chance to ask myself if it is still worth it. Is it still worth it to give up selfishness, pride, and lust even when i can't feel God? Is it still worth it to me? So i've been dabbling. Dipping my toes in a puddle of lies. Circling around it with fixated eyes, knowing that it will shortly satisfy only to evaporate into the air. I know this. So why am i still here?
Why am i still dabbling?
I believe that this is what Jesus and Paul talked about with perseverence. It's easy when it's easy, right? But do i trust the promises of my God enough to leave the lies and follow His voice further into the dark? Can i remember His truth long enough to let that be enough? Will i even let Him be enough? Am i ready to actually surrender my desires-my agenda and pick up my own cross to follow my Father?
I was reminded of God's goodness last night. I was talking with one of my best friends when she told me that i had a good heart. And in that moment God spoke truth into my life-a reminder. A reminder to find the balance between self-hatred and pride. I know that my heart isn't good. It hasn't been good for a while. I've been only caring about myself, my trip, my fundraising, my spare time. But God taught me again how to care about others. That every single person has a broken story and that all of creation is crying out for Him. And in the midst of that, He reminded me that i am just as fallen. I am just as broken. Jesus gave me permission to screw up while still being loved-a tough concept for me. God is the only good left in me. It's the Christ in me that cares about others. It's the Christ in me that takes the time to serve. It's the Christ in me that gives me any patience, wisdom, or grace towards others.
I just feel as though i should be honest in saying that this is not easy. I'm not good and I'm not doing everything right. I don't always even try. I haven't been, anyways. I'm easily distracted and quick to forget the amazing faithfulness of my God.
But i serve a God that reminds me of His goodness when i'm ready to hear it and leaves me with a choice. So I'm walking. I'm leaving behind the things that distract my heart, and I'm listening to God's voice. At least for today. I'm scared and i'm sure i will soon forget, only to be reminded again that my God is worth every tear and heartache along the way. I'm ready to learn to die, again. I'm ready to give up to a God that constantly asks for more of me. I'm ready to start walking again, and i walk trusting that God will meet me here.
