On August 22nd I received a phone call from my squad leader telling me my mom had called and there had been a death in the family. My heart sank as I called home to hear the news from my mom that my aunt had passed away.
On the days after I thought about how thankful I was for my family and I to have had extra time to spend with her before I left on this journey. But still I missed her and I knew going home and not seeing her face would sting 10 months from now.
On August 25th my family would be attending her viewing and then the day after, her funeral. This was the first day I felt far from home. I wished that I could have been able to comfort my family and let them know I loved them and I was thinking of them. Despite my sadness I chose to continue ministry with my team for the day. Today wasn’t our usual ministry, but one I had been looking forward. We were going to be visiting Beautiful Gates Orphanage.
Before leaving for ministry that morning I moved a little slower and laughed a little less. I just wanted time to slow down for moment so I could process how I felt, grieve how I needed to, and then continue on with my team….but life doesn’t stop and it doesn’t slow down. I felt like I was dragging my feet trying to keep up with everyone that day. I didn’t want to let them in on my sadness but I wanted comfort. It would have to wait, I thought.
Upon our arrival to Beautiful Gates we were greeted by Karen, the director. Originally from Michigan, her and her husband had been serving there for a year and half, with six months left until they flew back home to the states. She informed our team that we would be taking a short tour and then would have an opportunity to play with the children.
For those of you who know me well, I LOVE kids. I love their laughter and joyful spirit. I knew being there would cheer me up I just had know idea how much.
After our tour of the orphanage had finished, Karen told us it was time to meet the kiddos. My team and I were so excited. We stepped outside onto the courtyard. As I looked out at the children I see this little boy who made a bee line right for me at a dead sprint. I caught him in my arms and he immediately wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me. I was overwhelmed with love and in that moment he had squeezed all the broken pieces of my heart back together. I hugged him back hoping that I made him feel as loved has he made me feel. I didn’t let go until he did. It was just what I needed.
Several days after our visit I found moments in my day where I was sad but able to talk to teammates. I explained to them how I was carrying guilt for not being with my family and I how I hoped they knew I was thinking about them all the way from Africa. I journaled and prayed about it hoping that I would find a sense of peace in that.
The next day we received our Sesotho names. My name is “Palesa”, which means flower. I thought it was fitting because I love wildflowers. That evening my mom messaged me saying “Fun fact: calla lilies are indigenous to Lesotho, South Africa, and Swaziland. They were also on the tables at the luncheon for aunt Nancy’s funeral…we’re all in this together.”
Afterwards I wrote her back what I had journaled the day before. We both thought it was pretty amazing how God made the connection for us and made me feel close to home. Again, It was exactly what I needed.
Sometimes you feel like your hurt, pain, or sadness go unnoticed…by your friends, family…even God.
“If the Lord had not helped me, I would have died in a minute. I said, I am about to fall, but, Lord, you’re love kept me safe. I was worried, but you comforted me and made me happy.”
-Psalms 94:17-19
He always sends his love in a way that uniquely touches your heart. Sometimes it’s in the the form of a small boy you just met, sometimes it’s in the form of a flower.
Aunt Nancy,
I love you. I miss you. I’ll see you in Heaven.
