I didnt think I cared what others thought of me.
I honestly thought I was immune to it or something like that. Ive never thought I honestly cared or it affected me much.
Lately I’m learning that I actually do care. And I realized this right in the middle of my mess.
Im all over the place right now…or at least it feels like it. My mind is all over the place, I’m worn out and tired, Im not I’m a place where I feel like I’ve got anything to give or to offer. And I’m really fine with it…I’m just not fine with you knowing I’m a mess.
It scares me to be the girl that isn’t okay in others eyes … I never want to be viewed as the one in a ‘rough spot’. Ive seen and walked with others through ‘rough spots’ and I don’t view them in any negative light ..in fact its beautiful to see how the Lord totally ministers in that place and takes over. When its me though, Im wondering what others will think about me if I were to be honest.
My worry is that it will be viewed as me not knowing who I am as a powerful and loved woman of God …or me not knowing who my Dad, my King is. That others will describe it as me not knowing who I really am.
This month as these feelings have come up I’ve given myself the grace to share them with my team … to be real about it and not try and hide anything and keep any area ‘safe’ and ‘protected’.
Before we got to our ministry locations the Lord made it evident that this month was going to be a tipping point..something was going to be birthed and exploded this month in more than just myself. That we will look back and see life as before month seven and after month seven. Something significant was waiting for us.
I still believe this. Its not how I thought it would come about. Im really okay with this being the process to the tipping point … ill really be okay with a lot if theres more on the other side. Im just utterly confused on what we might be tipping over into at this point.
There was a moment the other day that I had to laugh at how silly I can be. Before we started this month I was recalling alumni telling me that the race was the “hardest and most rewarding thing they’d done” and I made the dumbest comment to the Lord….”This isn’t the hardest thing I’ve done”. Its hard but its definitely not the hardest. I feel like He took that as a personal request to push harder and break more within me. So I had to laugh at myself…why would I ever think it was a good idea to say that to Him?
So im all over the place…a mess. Im working on letting go of what others might think of my mess. Believing this month is a significant turning point for me personally…and anticipating it to get a whole lot messier by my silly personal request.
P.S. Fundraising update: I have $2,824 left till fully funded if you’d still like to give 🙂 Id love to see the Lord bring this money in within the next week/week and a half! Continued thanks and gratitude to all of y’all 🙂 you amaze me!!!
