Already coming to the end of month two…there are only nine more months ..thats just crazy.
This isn’t going to be fully formulated or anything pretty…im just typing my thoughts and sharing them 🙂
So its felt like Ive been outside of my own stride for pretty much the whole race..like everything was taxing when it seemed to be easy for others (not the comparison game, the observation game) Ive had trouble understanding why or what the deal was. I still don’t really know whats up but here are some of whats been going on with me and some of my thoughts.
I live cautiously …as much as I don’t want to, I do… I live with the breaks on in most cases. Partly because its overwhelming and partly because I don’t know how much I am free to just be yet. There are moments where I know I’m really being myself but plenty others where I know I’m holding back out of worry or fear of how I’m going to come across or backlash. How do you really be free and yet mindful and honoring of others at the same time? I’m trying to learn the balance.
how do I know the value of my thoughts and opinions and not be overly blunt …? I haven’t figured it out yet.
Something else I’m noticing is a pattern for me is that when others are stepping up I don’t see the need for me to. I take the chill seat. It can be good but its also a great way to just be on the sidelines and not ever really engage and grow in places I want to. and unless I’m handed responsibility for me to personally take ownership of, I don’t know where my place is…and I have a hard time finding it and being me. I become who I think others perceive me as by default and then wonder how I got there. ….I like to grow on my own and not with others …(funny cause thats not a realistic option for a lot of this year) …I don’t know how to grow with others.
basically I’m a jumbled up mess inside my head …and I’m probably right where Papa wants me. He knew id be in this moment right now with all of this going on and thats comforting.
I don’t know….im along for the journey ..thats all I know how to do. I don’t want to get to the end and wonder if I missed something.
Also…from here on out I will be growing my hair out. I shaved it the second day in Nepal but then a few nights ago Papa was talking to me about it and He reminded me that when I originally cut it all off a year and a half ago it was a time of healing and releasing things over to Him…taking off the comfort blanket and really getting free of things and now He’s saying its time to start growing and walking in some things that I really haven’t yet and he’s making this just symbolic of that….plus He told me that he wants to teach me about true femininity and that its alright to be a girl and show me freedom within that. So… its going to be slow and awkward but I’m growing it out from here on out until I hear otherwise 🙂 (pray for supernaturally fast growth haha)
P.S. Ill get to celebrate my 22nd birthday on Monday with Mexican food… Jesus loves me.
