Fear is not a fun thing to deal
with. I think that fear is one of
the greatest factors that we allow to hold us captive and prevent us from doing
things. I would have to admit that
I have had some immense fear these past few weeks. The funny thing is…well, it isn’t the fear that I’m sure
most of you are thinking of. I’m
sure that the first thing that comes to mind for most of you is that I’m
fearful for my safety since we will be in some difficult places. Or maybe you think that I’m fearful of
what I will have to eat-yes, that should be interesting since I am not a huge
fan of seafood and I guess that there will be quite a few opportunities for
seafood. Hmmm….that will be a
challenge! However, to be honest,
I’m NOT fearful for my safety. I
guess that I have never really thought about it. I figure that God knows the number of my days. He goes before me and with me. Just like it says in Psalm 27:1-“The Lord is
my light and my salvation–whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid?“ And as far as
the food-well, if I can mix it with other stuff and “hide” it, I will be able
to swallow it. The other
trick-don’t breath through the nose and just eat/swallow really quick! J
So, what is my deepest fear going
on this trip? What is this fear
that has caused me to question whether I should go or not? (Honestly, I was panicking and
seriously considering backing out of the trip.) It is the fear of becoming
bitter. The fear of becoming angry
at God. I have read and heard
enough about human trafficking/modern-day slavery to know that it is going to
devastate me to see firsthand, to have it in my face, to put a name and face
with a person. My relationship with Jesus is my life, my breath. I desperately want to know Him more
deeply, more intimately. I desperately
want Him to become greater and for me to become less. I desperately want to live my life for Him and to love him
with all that I am-all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I want to only know Him. I am shaken to the core to think that I
might become deeply angry at God.
God has given me a special gift
in my pastor. Pastor Thayne has
encouraged me through my journey and my questions. I returned home from training camp in Georgia and
immediately called Pastor Thayne to meet.
And once again he listened to me.
He let me cry. He heard my
fear. And he reminded me that God
is more than big enough to take my questions, to take my anger. I needed that reminder-God is more than
big enough.
