I’m coming home, coming home, tell the world I’m coming home.
HEYO! I have some crazy news for you cool cats. As I’m sitting here writing this, I am eight days away from being in America and nine days from being in good ol’ Mount Joy, Pennsylvania. NINE DAYS…WHAAAAT?! After being away from home for nine months, I’m now nine days away from landing in PA.
How do I feel about that? That’s a great question, because I’m not totally sure to be honest. I don’t remember what life at home is anymore. It’s weird to be at a point of not remembering the place I have lived for 18 years but, my life these last nine months have become so normal to me. But when I do think about home here’s just a few things I’m excited for! I am so excited and so ready to be with my people. I’m ready to see my house again (sadly, I kinda forget what that looks like… oops). I’m ready to curl up on the couch in a fuzzy blanket and not be dripping sweat every minute of every day. I’m ready to have conversations with people from home face-to-face that aren’t messed up by terrible wifi. I’m ready to drive. More specifically, I’m ready to drive down country roads with my windows down and music playing. I’m ready to eat meals with absolutely no starches. I will never again complain about my parents putting spinach in our salads instead of iceberg lettuce. All the things I’m ready for are little things that I have been 100% okay without over this year but they are those random little comforts that make my heart happy thinking about.
While those things make my heart happy, the things and people that I have encountered, met, and gotten to know over this year are what makes my heart joyful. No amount of salad, air conditioning, country roads, or good wifi can ever fill my heart with the joy that I have experienced from people this year. My eyes have been opened to so many things this year. I have a perspective that I didn’t have before; a perspective I wouldn’t have gotten if I didn’t leave.
I had to leave. I had to take that step out from all of my comforts, whether they were materialistic things or people. Jesus called me to leave my comforts and walk with Him on this journey. This week I was taken back to an email I received from a good friend while I was in El Salvador. At the time I got it, I was missing home and he shared a devotion with me. The author wrote, “So often when God places a call on one of His children, it requires a separation between the old life and the new life. There is a time of being away from the old in order to prepare the heart for what is coming. It can be a painful and difficult separation. When God began a deeper work in my own life, it required a separation from all I had known before. He removed all that I had placed confidence in up to that point. He removed all my comforts and security in order to accomplish a much greater work than what I could see at the time.” This is why I came on this crazy thing called the World Race. It wasn’t for the adventures to waterfalls, volcanoes, neighboring countries, or whatever other weird adventurous things I’ve done. I came because I felt Jesus pulling me into this time of separation from my “old life”. Was my old life bad? Not at all. But, there was some reason He needed me to step away.
I’m in the process of reading a book titled Kingdom Journeys and it talks about the journey that Jesus went on during His time here on earth. Once He left Nazareth, He traveled to the Jordan River to be baptized and then He was sent out to the desert. The author, Seth Barnes, writes this, “He (Jesus) left behind everything that felt like the comforts of home. He was taken to a place of brokenness and utter dependence on the Father. Along the way, God met his needs, as he will meet our needs.” Later on it talks about when Jesus called His disciples to follow him and it says, “He called them to changes that could only happen away from the familiarity of home.”As I sit and think about and remember this past year one thing continues to come to mind when I think about what I have learned; dependence on the Lord. That’s the best way I have come up with, to sum up what I’ve learned and grown in over this year in five words or less. Through the challenges, heartbreak, tears, joy, excitement, love, and everything else from this year, I have realized the importance of depending on Jesus through whatever life throws my way. No, I haven’t mastered this. There are still times I fall into depending on people here or people back home, or any other comforts for that matter. But, in the end I know that my dependence needs to be in the One who has carried me through every moment. He will never fail me like the things and people of this world will. He is the constant through all the change.
I stepped out, I left my comforts, and I followed where Jesus was calling me. This doesn’t mean I’m coming home with life figured out. I’m not the spitting image of Jesus. I’m still the Julie that is broken and learning. Something I have learned through this year isto focus on the Lord’s heart for me in my brokenness. I have learned how to find freedom from the brokenness. I have learned to walk in the truth that Jesus speaks over me rather than let the brokenness define who I am. I’m still learning, I’m still growing, and I’m still a sinner in need of a Savior. I still mess up. I still need grace. I am still human. But I am beloved. I am chosen. I am a daughter of the King. I am His bride. And nothing in this world can and will ever change that.
In a few days I have to say goodbye. Say goodbye to new friends made here. The hardest one out of them all; say goodbye to my JAZ girls. I can’t put into words how much my heart breaks when I think about leaving them. Each day, the littles come up to me and ask, “tita Julie, you leave tomorrow?” And when I say no, they get all excited and we go on about our day swimming and watching princess movies. Then when I tell them we only have a couple days left they get sad and tell me I need to stay here forever with them. Let me tell you, I have considered that multiple times. Just ask my mom, she has gotten many texts asking what she would do if I stayed for another month, or lived here 😉 It’s so easy to say things like “oh I left a part of me in the Philippines” or anything along those lines and yeah, I have. But this is so much more. When these girls come to me asking to talk about something going on in their life and asking for advice or opening up and sharing with me why they’re upset or frustrated, it becomes so much more than just leaving people I met on this“mission trip”. It becomes more like leaving family. These girls are more than just a part of my race; they are a part of my life. I don’t know when the Lord will bring me back here or for how long, but I know I will be back to see these girls.
These last couple weeks I have been wrestling with this. I have questioned God on what He wants me to do next. I know He didn’t allow me to love these girls the way I did or have my heart break at different times for them the way it did just to leave them and never see them again. I have gotten angry with Him for making me leave, even though I knew it was coming. And through it all, He saw me, He listened, and He responded with something that was hard for me to hear but it brought so much peace.
A few nights ago a team from GCU was leaving so we decided to have some worship with them and a few of the JAZ girls. I had a hard day and my heart was heavy from all that I had experienced and seen that day so I was ready to just rest in Jesus while we worshipped. Half way through, one of my teammates came up to me and gave me a piece of paper. I opened it and it was a listening prayer. I started reading it and after a few lines I shattered. I went to our room, sat on the floor, and continued reading as the tears flowed down my face. Here’s a few lines from this letter from Jesus,
Oh my Beloved,
How I love your heart for my precious little girls. Your heart is big and your love is powerful. You have impacted their lives more than you could imagine. Your heart is in the right place, but now is not the time. I desire to fill the desires of your heart, but not in this way at this time. I have called you home for this season and that is where I need you to be. Do not fear, I have brought others before you, and I will bring people after you leave to love my angels. Your heart is pure and genuine. It will be used to love on many of my children in many ways, but for now, rejoice in the time you had here. Cherish the memories for they will be with you always. You are precious to me my Beloved as are the children you love so passionately. Find your peace in me daughter.
I love you,
Your Beloved Father
That is just a little of what Jesus had for me on this night. My heart has broken before, but never in this way. As hard as it was to hear that Jesus is calling me away from this place and these girls for this next season, I found so much peace in hearing all of this. I have peace about going home. That doesn’t mean the goodbyes, or see ya laters, will be any easier but it does mean that I know going home at this time is where Jesus is calling me. Jesus has allowed me to love with the love He has for each one of us and He gave me His heart for these girls, and for that I am blessed. It’s hard sometimes for me to give my heart away to people at times but this time, for these JAZ girls, it was so simple. My heart is heavy as I get ready to say goodbyes but it is also thankful and full of joy as I look at pictures and remember all the sweet times with them.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future, and in that I have found peace. These lyrics from “Nothing I Hold Onto” by United Pursuit have continued to be on my heart when things of the future bring fear, stress, etc.
I lean not on my own understanding, My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven I Give it all to you God, Trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me
As the tears come and go, Jesus has reminded me of the verse in Psalm 56:8 that says, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
He sees me. He knows every little thing about me. And through it all, He loves me just the same.
So, there ya have it. I am two days away from being finished this leg of the race. Our squad will meet up one final time and spent a few days at Crystal Beach where we will spend time together, reminiscing, laughing, crying, worshiping, and all the crazy fun things in between. Can’t say how blessed I have been by my squad over this year. These are my people ya’ll. To meeting as a bunch of strangers in the middle of nowhere Georgia, to traveling the world chasing after the Lord’s heart for us and others; we have become family.
Jesus has blessed this season so abundantly. He is so good, ya’ll. Here’s to ending one season and stepping into another.
I’m holding tight to the Hand who will lead me through it all.
If you are looking for ways to pray here’s a few to add to your list J
-for our coaches and mentor as they travel here to meet us for our final debrief. They have faithfully prayed us through this journey and they are seriously the greatest.
-for one of our JAZ girls who was able to receive long awaited surgery this week to start the journey to repairing her hip. She has had a broken hip for a few years and the first time she got surgery she wasn’t healthy enough so it got infected. Her surgery this week was to clear out the infection and in 3-6 weeks she will have a second surgery to replace her hip. She has endured a lot of pain and yet she continues to smile and brighten up any room she is in. Her laugh brings so much joy. She has blessed me so greatly in these past few months. She’s great. I am so thankful that she is able to have this surgery. It’s going to be a long road but I can’t wait for the day she is able to walk without a walker and run as far as she wants. That’s going to be a sweet day! Please be praying for a quick, healthy recovery, and for her spirits as there’s not a whole lot to do to occupy her time in the hospital.
-for me as I say all these goodbyes, to my girls as well as to my squad, and step into this transition and new season
-for safe travels as we fly out next Saturday
I can’t thank each of you enough for all the support you have shown me over this year. Whether it’s been through prayer, giving financially, sending encouragements along the way, or whatever else, I have appreciated it more than I can say. Ya’ll are great and I’m looking forward to sharing more stories when I get home.
I would love to share with those of you that want to hear more so please don’t hesitate to ask questions! All I ask is that you give me some time to be readjusted and get back into the feel of life at home.
See ya soon Pennsylvania.
peace and blessings,
Jules
