This New Year is starting out with a lot of change for me this year. As I enter month five of my trip have been placed in new teams for what we call manistry/womanistry month. Meaning, all the girls are divided into five new teams and the eleven guys from our squad are all together at one contact. So, the team I started out with in September (Team Meek) and have done life with for the past four months are now on different teams from me. That was a hard goodbye to say but we will be reunited in three short weeks.
As we have left our ministry host on Thursday I felt uneasy. Yes, it was hard to leave the neighborhood kids I had grown to love and to leave the family, but the feeling of uncertainty and uneasiness seemed to be overpowering everything else. Before I continue sharing about these feelings I want to share with you where the root of them was coming from. Story time!
About two weeks ago I was sitting in the morning having my Jesus time and He laid the book of Titus on my heart. Before then I had never once thought to read that book. So out of obedience and a lot of curiosity I flipped to it in my bible. When I started reading the introduction that my bible gives the first four words were, “You are a leader”. Normally, these words would have been an encouragement to me and I would’ve moved on but I knew this time was different. With team changes coming up, I knew Jesus meant more with these words. I had that feeling in my stomach and I just knew; I was going to be a team leader for the month of January. To get some conformation I went to my squad leader who lived with us the month of December and casually said to her, “Jesus told me I’m going to be a leader”. Her reaction didn’t leave room for any question, I was becoming a team leader. Almost immediately after I got this conformation the doubts and lies came flooding in. Things like, “I can’t do this”, “I’m not good enough to lead other girls”, “I’m incapable of leading”, and the list went on.
This is where the feelings of uneasiness started coming into play. I had days where I would be totally fine and it wouldn’t bother me and then I would have days where I felt so defeated that I didn’t want to be around anyone and when I was with people in the house I would often snap at them at the smallest things. I was not myself and I didn’t like it. Feeling defeated by things that you know aren’t true but still struggling to truly believe the truth that Jesus speaks over me is hard. I’ve realized that I always know that what Jesus speaks over me is true but I often times don’t truly believe them whole-heartedly. After about a week of back and forth, good and bad days, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do or how to get to a point of truly believing. So, I sat on the porch by myself, listened to music, and ask Jesus to speak truths over me. A few that He said were, “You are chosen. You can do all things through me. You have a heart for others. You are obedient. You are cherished. You are a leader.” Those are just a few from the long list He gave me and I now have this list to read over myself when the lies resurface. Even with this list I still found myself having days where the lies were burdening me so much that no amount of truth seemed to help cast them out.
New Year’s Eve rolled around and we headed to a hostel to spend the holiday as a squad, find out our new teams, and have a few days to rest before going to our new hosts. I talked to the team that was at the contact I’m at for January to hear a little about what was coming my way. Their stories were incredible. They led people to Christ and their ministry was 9-5 door to door evangelism. Okay, so I’ve given a message at my church at home and I’ve shared my testimony and spoke plenty of times my first month here but for some reason when I heard this, I was freaked out. And, the doubts and lies started coming back telling me that I’m not equipped for this. So not only was I feeling inadequate about leading but now I had the feeling of inadequacy going into my new ministry. I was so overwhelmed.
That evening my team (still with Team Meek at this point) had our final team time and we decided to ask Jesus for a word that we can focus on individually for the year. The two words He gave me were confidence and humility. When I got these words I was confused as to how they went together. So, I asked Him. I am to lead, not only this month, but every day here and at home, with confidence. He wants me to be confident in who He made me to be. I had always thought that I was a confident person but through this I am realizing that my confidence was 90% outward and I lacked self-confidence on the inside, big time. I would do something with confidence but then look for people’s approval and if someone shot my action down, I would shut down and my confidence would become less. I want to become a confident woman that only looks to the Lord for approval and doesn’t worry about what the world is saying about me. And, in that confidence He is calling me to be humble and not do things to draw attention to myself. Instead, He wants me to learn what it looks like to do everything to glorify Him alone. As I enter 2016, I’m striving to be a confident yet humble leader and just all around person.
We found out our new teams and got to spend time together to come up with a team name and get a little feel for how we wanted our team to look like for the next 3 weeks. So, I’m excited to announce that I’m on Team Batala. Batala means butter in Chichewa. Stick with me, it’s about to get a little punny. Our meaning behind that name is: we’re on a roll, bringing the bread of life as we spread the Word of God. I became excited for this team but there was still a sense of uneasiness on my heart. I pulled my squad leaders aside to ask for any advice/wisdom on how to not let the lies weigh me down and burden me. They were great. They spoke truth over me and then had me declare truths about myself out loud. That is something that I have never been good at and it was challenging but I found that saying the truths out loud helped me believe them more than when I just say them in my head. It was a little uncomfortable but it’s something that I am going to work on doing more to help me always remember and walk in my identity in Christ. I am incredibly thankful for the two leaders that God has given me to confide in, trust, and look to for guidance and wisdom.
Here I am, waiting for our host, Harvey, to come pick us up to head to our new home. I still have fears about ministry, leadership, and what’s to come but I know that I trust and follow a God that is bigger than all of those things. I have peace in knowing that this leadership role is what God wants for me in this season because as much as I have denied it when my youth pastor told me over and over that he saw me pursuing this, I have felt God lay a huge passion for some sort of leadership position with youth on my heart. I don’t know what that looks like yet and nothing is set in stone but I have a few options that I’m looking at exploring and finding more about. I’m excited to see where He leads me in this and as challenging as it may be some days, I know that God has so much growth in store for me this month.
A few details that I know about my new home: we each get our own room with a bed, shower, and toilet (this is crazy for me coming from a place where I slept in a small room with 4 other girls and shared a bathroom/shower with 17 other people). We get our meals made for us, and I am still living in Lilongwe. Giving myself a daily reminder that God is good through it all, He has my best interest in mind, and He will lead me, carry me, and cheer me on through all the trials and celebrations along the way.
PRAYER REQUESTS:
- that I would become confident and humble through Christ and walk in the freedom and identity He gives me.
- that I would look to Jesus for the truths to believe about myself when the lies flood my heart and that I would look to Him for the strength I need each day.
- for my team and I that we would invest in each other, serve each other well, and make the most out of these three short weeks together.
Thank you for your continued prayer and support! I am so blessed by each one of you.
Happy New Year!
Blessings,
Julie
