Since being on the race I have been proud of myself for how well I was doing being away from home and all my people there. I accepted that this is where I am supposed to be for this season of life and it was a great feeling. And then out of nowhere homesickness hit hard. While I was physically in El Salvador, I was mentally back home in Mount Joy. I felt lost. Even when I was surrounded by 13 other women, I felt abandoned. I had nowhere to go and instead of running back to Jesus, I tried to escape and “run” home. How did I escape? Wifi. Social media. Communication with people back home rather than the people I am living in community with. It amazed me (in a not so good way) how fast I was able to “escape” El Salvador by putting my phone in front of me. Small amounts of communication with certain, very important people in my life back home is something I’ve cherished since I’ve been gone and I think it is necessary to keep those relationships healthy. *(so those of you that I have had conversations with, please don’t read this as we can’t ever talk again while I’m gone, because that isn’t at all what I’m saying!!)* The difference that I noticed during this phase of homesickness was that it became excessive and I was contacting anyone and everyone I could to try and make myself feel better. I was running as fast as I could to escape the challenge that was in front of me. This wasn’t a one day run either. It was an exhausting week long run and half way through it I felt defeated. I told myself there was no way I could do the rest of the race because my heart hurt that much being away from home. The minute I started to believe this lie I was telling myself, Jesus threw John 15:5 my way. One simple verse. That’s all it took for me to turn the route I was running around and start heading back to Jesus. The verse reads:
“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.”
The further I ran, the more my branch started breaking away from the Vine. When I felt the defeat mid run, I knew my branch was detached. I wasn’t looking to the Lord for my strength to get through each day. I was trying to do it on my own. As I read this verse over and over I pictured a branch that has been broken off of a vine. It lays helpless on the ground. It can’t do anything. But when it’s attached it is fully functioning. At first when I got this image I was confused because when a branch breaks off it can’t be reattached. But Jesus told me to stop thinking so literally and realize that His grace is what’s going to reattach my branch.
In the last 2 weeks I have been learning about Listening Prayer and what that looks like. It is one of the coolest things I have ever experienced. You sit and listen for the Lord and what you hear is “Listening Prayer”. Different people receive it in different forms but I have been getting letters. Letters straight from Jesus. It gives me chills just writing about it but it really is one of the coolest things. A few lines from my most recent letter read,
“Keep your eyes on me. Trust me. Stop worrying about people and things back home. It will all be okay if you trust me. I care about the desires of your heart. I adore you. I want you to pursue me with as much passion as I pursue you with. I am so proud of who you are. Don’t wish this time away. It is precious for you and me. I have so much in store. Do you trust me?”
Those words are straight from Jesus to me. Coolest part; He signs all of my letters “Your Comforter”. How cool is He?! These were just a few lines from the letter and it amazed me how relevant they are to what I’m working through. I don’t need to worry about people and things back home; I need to trust Him.
As days go by I am learning to not just spend quiet time with the Lord but to spend quality time with Him. When I spent quiet time with Him I was solely doing it to make it appear like I was doing my devotions thoroughly when really I was just doing it to check it off a “to-do” list for my day. But when I have quality time with Him during my day, I bear so much fruit. I am so strongly attached to the Vine and it truly makes a difference.
Since being on my “run” away from this place I have called home for the past 2 months I have realized that I have to make the daily choice to choose El Salvador. I have to choose to be present. I have to choose to give my all. I have to choose to love. I have to choose what my attitude will be. Every day holds each one of these choices, and more. The line from the song Just be Held by Casting Crowns that says “When you’re tired of fighting, chained by your control, there’s freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go” makes me realize that when I let go of the control that I think I need on my life and truly surrender each day to the Lord, that choice to have a positive attitude, to be present, to love, to give my all, etc. becomes so much easier. Another line from Just be Held that I’ve been holding close is, “In time you’ll understand, I’m painting beauty with the ashes, your life is in My hands.” It gives me the reminder that His timing is perfect and I will look back on these times and see how much He used them to grow me in ways I can’t see now. I don’t need to worry about anything, but instead trust in all things because my life is in the hands of the One who created the universe. He cares for me. I am His child. He loves me. He is my Comforter.
Every day is different; some are so challenging that all I want to do is be home where I have constant comfort and other days I never want to think about leaving the race because of going back into that comfort zone. Sounds weird and bipolar, right? But comfort zones are scary. I’m learning that growth doesn’t happen when I’m in my comfort zone, and I don’t like that. I want growth. But I also want comfort. That’s when I have to remind myself that when I’m out of my comfort zone growing, I need to run to my Comforter for that comfort that I long for. I got a metaphor in the form of a letter from the Lord relating to comfort zones while watching the waves the other day and this is what He said,
”My adored Child,
See that there’s two sets of waves; one close and one far from shore? Those are like the trails you are/will face in life. The shore is your comfort zone. In near the shore are small waves representing the smaller challenges you face as you slowly step away from that comfort zone. As you continue moving further away from shore you notice the waves get larger. The more you move from your comfort zone, you begin to experience more growth, just as the waves do. But, you also notice that some parts out further are calm and peaceful and those parts are right beside the large waves. In life, on you Race, at home, or wherever you are, remember this image; I am the calm parts that are always beside the big waves and that never changes. As you go through these trials, find peace in knowing that I am always beside, behind, and in front of you. I will never leave you alone. I might throw a big wave your way every once in a while but it’s not to harm you; it’s to teach you to keep your eyes on Me, the calm waters, no matter what comes your way. Don’t let them wash you back into your comfort zone (the shore). Go out there and conquer those waves. I believe in you.”
–Your Comforter
I sat and asked Him, “give me a metaphor for the ocean that relates to where I’m at” and within minutes this is what He said to me. This isn’t something that only I can do because I’m on a mission trip out of the country, that’s nothing but a lie. You can do this too. Ask Jesus to write you a letter. Ask Him to give you a metaphor. Talk to Him. He wants to be in constant communication with us and He is always speaking. It’s up to us if we chose to open our ears and heart to listen. Jesus is so cool!
So here I am. Taking one day at a time. Pressing into what Jesus has for me a little more each day. Some days I fall, but He is there to pick me back up. Every day I feel His arms around me and I experience His love in ways I could never have imagined. I am running the race back to the arms of Jesus and my branch is being reattached to my Vine through His grace.
UPDATE: Today marks exactly two months of being in El Salvador. It’s crazy that in a little less than a month my time in my first country will be over. This place has become home and it’s hard to wrap my mind around leaving here. But, I don’t like to think that far ahead because I’m working at embracing each day here and I am not going to think about leaving and wish away this final month here! My team is doing well with our transition to El Tunco and we are loving it here. We have one more week of preparation before our summer school starts and we are so excited to get started. We will be teaching English, art classes, and playing games with them Monday-Thursday from 8-1. So, we have a busy three and a half weeks coming up but we are ready to tackle it head on. Prayer for energy, love, and joy to show the kids is greatly appreciated!
Blessings,
Julie
