It’s amazing and yet horrifying to me that the more the Lord provides, the more I tend to worry. Prior to about three weeks ago, if you had asked me if I was worried about raising the funds needed for my trip I would have said no instantly. I would have said some old adage about how “The Lord will provide, so why should I worry?” I mean I knew it would be hard, but I figured it couldn’t be that bad. Well, fast forward to today and here I sit typing on this blog in an effort to refrain from checking my support page for the tenth time in the last 3 days to see if anyone else has contributed to my mission. Yes, I know that this is sad, but it seems that the more the Lord provides for me, the MORE anxious I get, the MORE nervous, and MORE distrustful. This conundrum of my heart baffles me. I mean, why in the world do I find it SO difficult to trust when the Lord proves to me time and again that He IS trustworthy and has my best interests in mind all the time?
In the past two weeks the LORD has provided over $1000 in support for my trip AND others who will be praying.
The LORD has provided over $200 in gear from sweet neighbors who also felt compelled to give me a widow’s mite necklace from Jerusalem. They gave it to remind me that giving all to Christ is worth it and that it is a holy calling to minister to orphans and widows and the oppressed.
Yesterday, as I was worrying that I was only at a little over $600. I mentioned to my mom that AIM suggested that we try to have $1000 in our accounts by next week. The LORD brought an immediate response to my cries, through a letter from a great uncle who not only offered to pray for my trip, but he GENEROUSLY gave $400! I’m not generally one who would say that God has spoken to me clearly in every day life all that often, but yesterday was the exception. There is no other explanation for the amount I received, when I received it, or the words of encouragement from Spurgeon.
It was like God was taking my head gently in His hands while firmly saying to me “Julie! Chill out! I have this whole thing. You don’t need to worry, you don’t need to lose sleep. I am in control and I will provide for you.” And in my mind, I saw my Lord and Savior Jesus standing over me. He knelt down beside me and held out His nail-scarred hands. “Haven’t I given my LIFE for you, that you might have eternal life?? Was it not enough?” And looking into His eyes, I see the compassion of my Great High Priest, one who experienced life on earth and is intimate in His dealings with me. He then stood up, and taking me hand in His he placed it on the scar at His side. “My side was pierced so that you might not have to endure the piercing agony of being separated from your heavenly father, that you would not experience the suffering of eternal wrath. What more can I do to express my love to you?”
Then Abba spoke to me saying, “My sweet daughter, I have given my Son as a ransom for YOUR life. It was HE that suffered my wrath in YOUR place. Come sit with me, listen to my voice, be still and WAIT. I will provide exactly what you need, when you need it. Remember the Israelites and the blessing of manna? This is what it will be for you. I will give grace for each and every day; do not try to store up todays grace for tomorrows trials. I am already there and openly give the exact amount of grace you need for each day. The Israelites grieved my heart by failing to remember my blessings, and often failed to give thanks for the mercies they received day to day. REMEMBER my mercies and be THANKFUL, for I long to give bountifully to you if you would only ask and offer up your life in gratitude.”
This experience has been amazing over the last day. The best way to sum up what I feel is in this song:
Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God’s hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in
awe of the mystery of his perfect ways
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He’s always been faithful to me
I can’t remember a trial or a pain he did
not recycle to bring me gain. I can’t
remember one single regret in serving
God only and trusting his hand
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He’s always been faithful to me
This is my anthem, this is my song, the
theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He’s always been faithful to me
