This month three racers and I got to work with Celebrate Recovery (CR). CR is a ministry I have been involved with in my home church, so I was thrilled to have this opportunity. When we were asked who would be willing to give their testimony, I immediately volunteered.
I was scheduled to go the third Monday we were volunteering. My testimony is pretty long and I knew I didn’t have time to tell the entire story. I prayed that God would show me what to talk about and He delivered immediately. I wasn’t ready to tell the story He wanted me to.
This story had only been told to a few people. My teammates knew that it had happened, but they did not have any knowledge of the details. I had never even told my parents for fear that they would feel responsibility, pain or disappointment. I really did not want to tell this part of my testimony.
I waited until an hour before we were suppose to be at CR to decide what I was going to talk about. I prayed for God to give me a topic. Again He whispered what I did not want to hear and I knew what I had to talk about.
So what was this mystery topic? Bulimia. I had battled bulimia and serious body issues for such a long time.
This secret had weighed on me for years. It had slowly eaten away at what self-esteem I did have. It had ruined relationships with people I loved and prevent self growth. For as long as I could remember, I had hated my body and hated myself. I insulted my Maker over and over again with these thoughts. Many times, I had tried to turn this battle over to God. Every cry for freedom, help, and relief, only temporarily eased the pain and disappointment. Why wouldn’t God help me carry this burden?
I was so nervous for the first half of CR. I led worship with both my voice and hands shaking. I was counting down the minutes until it was showtime. I prayed and asked God if He was 100% sure He wanted me to do this. It wasn’t too late to back out, was it?
Panic, or Satan, hit me the moment I started giving my testimony. Suddenly, the words were out of my mouth before I could take them back and the tears came with them.
Did I really just confess my darkest secret to a roomful of strangers? Yes. Yes, I did.
I really could not pinpoint the emotions I felt after my confession. Could people possibly be judging me? Maybe I misunderstood God. I probably should have talked about something else. I felt a mixture of relief, joy and fear.
The insecurities that had plagued me for so long were still there, but they held less weight than they did 6 months ago. Healing came just by admitting my deep, dark, ugly secret. Strength and courage were two things I never thought I had, but God had given them to me in this moment. I had done the impossible.
But God wasn’t finished working for the night. See, I had previously been praying that when I saw people I would see them as He did. I wanted to love people the way God did. As I was sitting in small group, I looked around at the 13 women. I only got to hear bits and pieces of the struggles they faced. What had been shared over the previous weeks amazed me. Those women were true Princess Warriors of God.
In an instant, I became completely overwhelmed with compassion for them. I had to look down so I wouldn’t cry, yet I had this goofy grin plastered across my face. Crying just wasn’t an option. I didn’t want them to think I was a weirdo. But right before we left, I blurted it out. I just couldn’t hold it in.
After, CR I had several people approach me and tell me how much my story had touched them. There were hugs and encouragement all around. I even got to help people who had struggled with the same thing! God had this moment planned and he knew the perfect moment to remove my burden and use it for His glory.
This is not a story of a girl plagued by eating disorders and self-hatred. This is a story of redemption. Don’t focus on what I went through or struggled with.
Don’t even focus on the fact that God didn’t help me when I thought He should. Focus on what I walked through and how I did it. I finally gave in to what God asked of me and I gave Him control over the situation. I am no longer held down by the fear that people will find out my secrets. I don’t live in self-hatred anymore.
Instead, I walk with my Father in freedom and in the beauty he has bestowed upon. I am the daughter of a King who is not moved by the world and I am more precious than rubies to Him.
