(Written February 5, 2014)
I have believed these for a majority of my life but it was only this last week that I realized it was all a lie from Satan. Several people have told me that they love talking to me, that it is so easy. I have started practicing my talents and gifts that God already gave me that I had given up on because I was not good enough compared to the people around me and they made sure to let me know. I have had so many people express their love for me and even if the conversation was awkward they were still trying to get to know me better.
I mentioned to Joey that I had a strange dream and she encouraged me to talk to Gary. I told him the dream and he asked me how I was getting along with my team. I ended up telling him a shorter version of my testimony. He said that my testimony confirmed what he was feeling in the Holy Spirit. It definitely means something relating to me being ruled by my fear of rejection and being disappointed all the time and that even though I have been disappointed time and time again in my life, I have learned to accept the disappointments and use them like a lifeline. He came to me the next day after praying about it overnight.
Gary is so full of love for all of us. He said he hated when the enemy lies to his children that it messes up who we are and kept us from coming into the fullness of God. He spoke truth and life into me, saying that he loved talking to me and found me fascinating. He asked to pray for me and place his finger on my lips to anoint them with truth. He prayed that I Satan’s lies and chains on me be broken, that I realize how loveable and interesting I am, and that God will use my lips to speak his truth and word to others, that he will use them for his purpose and speak through them, that I would not be afraid to speak out when God asks me to. I have never been prayed for like that before except when Gary prayed for me at training camp yelling in my ear, declaring I am God’s child and have been anointed with the Holy Spirit. It was an incredible and moving experience both times. I am so grateful for both Gary and Joey in my life. They love me so much and I still am wondering how.
Tonight we had our last worship night at debrief and we had a huge bonfire. Small slips of paper were passed around and we were to write our insecurities or lies Satan has been deceiving us with. I wrote down that I was boring and that I was a disappointment. I wrote that I am free of them. I tossed them in the fire with joy.
