(Written February 5, 2014)
I was born the youngest of three. I have an older brother and older sister. Now, I dearly love them and my family but there was a point, as I’m sure in most families, which we fought like cats and dogs. They are extroverts while I am very much an introvert. I hide when guests come over. After my birth mom died when I was 6 we all became angry, I personally felt that she didn’t care about me, that I wasn’t wanted. I didn’t understand that she didn’t want to leave us but had to. My brother was often put in charge of me and my sister, afterward. I hated it and wanted to be left alone all the time. I tried to make my self invisible from them or I always fought them. In my mind, I was the victim.
As I grew up I made friends and of course, girls wanted sleep overs. I didn’t see this at first but after it consistently happening, every time I brought friends over, many of them became friends with my sister and stopped talking to me or used me to ask my brother out. As I grew older and into High School, I was close to entering a few relationship with guys and then they met my sister and told me they were going to ask her out. I was crushed. I felt like I was boring and a disappointment compared to my siblings. Nobody seemed to want me or stay by my side. I started doing everything I could to keep people by my side. I only spoke when I knew they would approve of what I said. If I messed up I would apologize and tell them about how terrible I was just to stay their friend. I spoke so many negative things about myself I came to believe them. I called it being “Realistic.” I also grew to expect being left behind. Everyone will leave eventually, so don’t open my heart.
I used college to get away from it all. I went to an all-female college away from everyone I knew. There I had the time of my life. I made friends who refused to let me stew in a room by myself. I grew confident and free. However, I also got into some really weird things there because I was still trying to please them. I wanted to like whatever they liked so they would accept me. I wasn’t being myself because “me” was boring and a disappointment. I was only confident and free within the cage I created for myself, in the image I had created.
After college I did weird and crazy things to keep people’s attention on me, to think I was interesting. I went to work in Antarctica for 5 months and I also joined the Reserves. I felt satisfaction whenever I surprised someone and they would question me endlessly. I felt like I could finally talk about something. Eventually, people lost interest so I’d go find something else crazy and extreme to bring back the attention. I felt lonely, but I never processed and thought about this. I thought it would always be this way and there was nothing I could do. People would always treat me this and dislike me I thought. Because of this mindset I began to judge others before I even talked with them. I knew they were going to dislike me, that they wouldn’t be able to relate, that they would lose interest and find something new leaving me like a broken toy in the corner while the kid played with their new toy. I drew back and stopped investing myself in people. If I did I would get hurt again because I thought all of Satan’s lies about me were true.
Testimony continued in Part 3
