(Written February 5, 2014)
Everyone on the world race is encouraged to do feedback. We don’t have to, technically, but its better we do for we learn from it and grow. There are two kinds of feedback, affirming and growing. This last month I felt like I received both on the same issue.
At training camp I had a really hard time participating with everyone. It got so bad that at one point I blamed everyone for me not interacting with them or helping them. I played the victim card for my own actions and was called out on it. I processed and reviewed and realized what I had done to my team. I apologized, cried a lot, and thought of ways that I would not repeat this mistake.
At the beginning of Guatemala I received a lot of affirming feedback, I was putting myself out more, I was vulnerable, I was open, I had grown so much since training camp. Yet, halfway through the month we did Super-Feedback where everyone gives an affirming and growing feedback to everyone, I received many growing feedbacks to be more vulnerable and open with the team. I didn’t understand. One week I was open and the next I wasn’t? I decided to not think about and tucked it away.
One night that month, around the time of super feedback, I had a crazy dream at night. In the dream I knew that I had grown up in the wild and Dr. Frasier Crane from “Frasier” was civilizing me and he was gay. At some point I must’ve started my laundry in the dream for someone came up to me and said someone had pulled my clothes out of the laundry and maliciously ruined them on the floor. I, topless and in a rusted red skirt, walked down a dark corridor into the open laundry room to find all the clothes torn and muddy on the floor. I walked passed them to the stackable washer and dryer and open the dryer. I found only one item in there and it was a pringles can. I pulled it out, clutched it to me and walked back down the corridor sobbing. In my dream I was sobbing so hard I woke up dry heaving. It was the strangest experience. If I hadn’t woken up that way I would’ve thought I ate something bad before I went to bed to have such a crazy dream. I decided to ask Gary (our squad coach) who God interprets dreams through later about this and put it off, but I often thought about it and related it as a funny dream to others.
At debrief this month, Joey, my squad coach, came up to me, hugged me and said, “I feel like you’re reserved. Not in a bad way but in a cautious way.” I mulled it over in my brain for a while and I realized she was correct. Lately, I had been feeling like I couldn’t relate to my teammates or hold decent conversations with them. We’d only talk about surface stuff but I never told them about me, how I felt or what I loved. I was afraid of being rejected, of being a disappointment, of being boring to them. I subconsciously held back because of past experiences.
Then last night we had a session on vulnerability. Basically, anyone who felt called to by God would go up and share whatever he placed on their hearts. While I didn’t feel strongly called it did get me thinking about my testimony. A few weeks earlier I had quickly written out one that was basically all the facts about my life, but nothing really substantial. Last night I prayed to God and went through it all.
Testimony continues in Part 2
