(Written Jan 23, 2014)
Have you ever looked around you to see what God has been doing in the lives of the people around and praised God? Have you seen it happened over and over again, miracles and blessings, but, over time, wonder if he forgot about you? Has your praise ever turned to envy at those gifts? Have you ever lost sight of the miraculous things God has been doing in your own life?
This week was a little tough for me. At first I was amazed at all the work God was doing in the people around me, but, after some time, I felt like he forgot about me or put me on the shelf to use only a few select people. I saw the people I work with fall to the floor, drunk in the Holy Spirit. I heard them speak in tongues and God use them to heal others. Visions and prophesy poured from their lips, and here I was, observing it all, and that was it. I could only pray, but God wasn’t using me at all. I felt like I hadn’t grown at all.
I was saddened and withdrew emotionally for a little while. I didn’t voice my concerns or fears, I tried not to think about them or pray about them to God himself. I just hoped my envy would go away. But Satan kept whispering into my ear.
One day while on street ministry, Deljenny from the Mexican YWAM team was translating and praying for the people in the government building and she kept asking Jade and I if we had words or visions for them. We kept shaking our heads no and went on. Finally she pulled us to the side and said she mean that she was asking if we had any word from God for the people, any prophesy. Jade and I told the truth, we don’t know how to prophesy. Apparently, Deljenny and her team learned how to and practiced prophesy before they went out on their outreach, she offered to teach us and had us practice on her. Jade received words but I didn’t. Not really. I just took a stab in the dark, but it was very generic that could be said about anyone really.
I thought I could bring up an idea to my team leader, Isaiah, that maybe we could have the Mexican YWAM team teach us and have us practice on them prophesy. He looked at me and told me the truth. God gives different gifts to everyone. To some he gives the gift of tongues, to others, prophesy. Not everyone will receive everything. You cannot practice a gift he didn’t give you. That wasn’t to say he won’t give it to me, but maybe now is not the right time or they are still some things God wants to do in me before he gives me a gift. He advised me to just pray about it and for it, for all the gifts God wants to pour out on me. And if there were anything that needs to be fixed in me first, that God makes it known and we work it out together.
Someone once received a vision/dream that they went up to Heaven. When they were in Heaven they saw a whole bunch of warehouses filled with gifts and blessings. He asked God, “Why, if you have all these gifts and blessings, have you not given them to your people, to those who hurt and are suffering on Earth? Why?” God replied that he wanted to give people his gifts and blessings, he wanted to pour them out on everyone, but that they never ask him for them.
That night I processed everything that had happened, what was spoken to me, and I prayed. I prayed that night and yesterday morning. I prayed for God to fix things in my life that needed to be fix, I prayed for him to give me gifts that would further his Kingdom, such as prophesy, tongues, whatever amazing gifts, I prayed that I would become drunk on the Holy Spirit, but I also prayed that I would be able to recognize and see the gifts that he had already given me, so I could cultivate them, use them. I prayed and put it in his hands, for they are his.
When you pray and ask of the Lord, he answers! Last night, before we went to church I was listening to Edwin prepare a song for service. I helped him find a key that is both comfortable for him and I to sing in. He hadn’t memorized the words but had a picture of them on his phone. I brought up the idea that he should have someone hold it up for him so that he could read them. He countered that I should do it and sing with him. I was reluctant but he kept on asking so I agreed. It was quite an experience. It turns out his guitar was out of tune so it ended up being higher than I expected and I couldn’t hit all the notes. He also changed the second song on me during worship, but he was just following the Holy Spirit.
Then, last minute during service, we were told we had to perform skits and I was volunteered to take Amanda’s spot who had stayed home because she wasn’t feeling well. Anna wanted to go but Zach, a leader in the skit who calls up the other performers to join him, called me up and I wasn’t going to say no. So I went. I had so much fun and everyone came up to me and said I did really well, that I seemed like I was really annoyed and angry. They thought it was great I just jumped right in and filled the need. I was so happy last night. I felt filled with joy. I felt like I had used the gifts I had to worship and participate. I had been avoiding them because I hadn’t sang or acted in a long time, but God pulled them out of me last night.
As I went to bed, Kim, my roommate, turned to me and said she just had to speak truth to me. She hadn’t received a vision or prophecy but just had to speak. She said that over the past 48 hours it was such a blessing to watch me grow in Christ. I was always the first one up in mornings to do my devotions, even at times we can sleep in and I spend such a long time. I was wading through the trash yesterday and already helping by the time everyone arrived, I was the first one into the bars and she believes it was because I passionate to pray for these people, because I wanted to help them in anyway. Kim said that I was on the edge, that God was about to do something great in my life, through me, that it was coming and building up.
This was such an encouragement to me and an eye opener. I had been so focused on how God was growing the people around me, I hadn’t seen what God was doing in my life in the darkest days I’ve had on the race so far. Those past 48 hours she mentioned were quite hard for me emotionally and spiritually, but she had stated that those hours were the time she had seen me grow in the Lord exponentially.
