Well, it has been awhile since I last posted something. I love the idea of blogs and a journal, but I end up starting them but never finish. Actually, since the last time I posted, I tried writing a few more blogs but it never felt right. I didn’t want to post them. These last few months I’ve felt lazy whenever I had free time, if I had free time. I just wanted to be left alone to do whatever I wanted and writing a blog was not near the top of the list.
Maybe the reason why I did not focus was because of August. It was a busy month and I was worried about my first financial deadline this September 28th. I had (and still don’t, I’m only half way) nowhere near enough money to make the first deadline and was planning on pulling the money my birth mom had left in reserves to pay off the last of my debts to school and bring me to the first deadline. My Grandpa currently has the money in a bank somewhere under his name. For a while now he has expressed his wish for me and my siblings to take the money and put it into our own accounts. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity at the very beginning of August. So I contacted him and gave Grandpa my request. To my dismay, about a week earlier he had told the bank that we siblings would not be touching that money for another year and a half. If we withdrew the money now there would be a big fine to pay or I would have to take it out of my Grandparents account and they would have to wait that long to replenish their savings. I did not want to do that so I resolved to pay my debt off myself and trust God for donations.
It was actually a learning lesson to me, partially. I had been relying on my own strength to achieve my goals instead of God. I was like Goliath, sure that I would succeed but God took my strength away, forcing me to rely on him. I felt like a fool that week. However, even though I learned this, it was like I gave up. I started using “God will provide” as an excuse to be lazy and not lift a finger to fundraise. I hate fundraising, ever have since I was a kid so I thought, “Hey! God obviously doesn’t want me to use my own funds so he will move people’s hearts. All I have to do is send out letters, and give a few speeches!”
It was the wrong train of thought to follow. Not only did I become lazy in fundraising, but in my walk with God. I regressed. Sure, whenever I was around fellow believers I walked the walk and talked the talk, but it was habit. I knew what to say and what effect it would have and it seems like it fooled people. I don’t know, but everyone commented on how true my statements were and how “deep” or something similar. Hopefully God used my foolishness to actually work good in people’s lives. Because I went down this path, I also ended up giving into temptation. I indulged in it every day and it became my tension and stress relief. It was what I turned to whenever I had a problem. Even now, it’s too heavy to bear and part with. I know it’s wrong but it’s like my comfort blanket. I gave it up before and it hurt and I don’t want to let go again.
So today I am asking for your prayers, not to reach my financial deadline (though those are much appreciated and any support helps) but more importantly, that I can let go of this sin. That God will give me his strength to make it through this and be done with it, never to return. I didn’t want to talk with any one about this, out of fear I will be rejected, but mostly because if I ask people to pray for me, I might really have to let go of my blanket and I don’t want that. Please help me and pray for me to have courage in this.
