This is story about freedom and redemption. I wrote this several times and it has spent a lot of time set to private. I was very hesitant to share it but keeping these words to myself is something a person who is ashamed would do and I’m simply not that person anymore. Revelations tells us we overcome both by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. So I want to tell this story because it’s mine to tell and because it glorifies God.
“Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!” – Kristian Stanfill, Jesus Paid it All
The Lord put the World Race on my heart over a year ago and I have waited patiently. Though I was disappointed to wait so long, I felt confident that the amount of time was the exact amount He knew I needed to prepare. This became more and more clear looking at the incredible growth He has taken me through over the past 14 months. What I wasn’t expecting was that it would all culminate right at the end.
I was reading the book Captivating and came to the chapter on healing. I thought about it and I didn’t really think I had anything huge I needed healing from. I prayed that Jesus would reveal to me any wounds I had and that he would offer me healing for them. Over the next few days I started to realize how much guilt and pain I still had for past sexual relationships. (warning this blog is about to get real!)
I made the decision when I first got to DC that I wanted to recommit myself to waiting until I was married to have sex. I wanted this because I truly believe that God has a better plan for me. When I made this decision though I shoved under the rug all the guilt and hurt that I had because I never really knew I had it.
In March I went to my roommate Jamie’s lingerie bridal shower and there was a lot of talk about sex and how her wedding night would be her first time because she chose to wait. Later that night I was alone in my car and I broke down crying realizing how jealous of her I was. I wasn’t just jealous, I felt an uprising of hidden emotions releasing from me like Pandora’s Box. I felt guilt for being reckless with other people’s feelings, regret for spending so many year’s putting everything else before God and weakness for saying yes to a second rate version of His plan! I kept thinking about the meaning of white on your wedding day and how I didn’t feel pure at all.
The thing is, while He allowed me to suddenly mourn all of these memories at once I also felt incredibly overwhelmed with God’s presence and His love that makes all things new. I simultaneously came face-to-face with both my hurt and a promise of healing. I feel God through worship so strongly and as a new song started to play on the radio, I felt very clearly that the song was just for me. The words started to play and I realized it was the song, “Healing Begins.”
The chorus sings: “This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts. When you come to where you’re broken within the light meets the dark”
I had a feeling this was in fact just beginning of the healing and something bigger was in store. I was right.
My pastor spoke the next day at church about being a decibel of Jesus and not just a fan of His work. He also talked about the recent religious persecution and how we daily give up the opportunity we have as free citizens to openly follow God.
I went back to my apartment and Jamie was sitting on the couch and she immediately asked me if I wanted to go with her to meet a refuge from Eritrea who was under asylum from religious persecution. I was struck by the relevancy to what we had just discussed at church and knew right away I was supposed to go (but let’s continue being honest – I was being super lazy and didn’t want to go but I wanted to be a disciple of Jesus not just a fan so I offered to drive!)
The woman’s name is Miriam and meeting her shifted my world a few degrees.
Christians in Eritria are seen as threats to the state and ” in fact the country ranks 10th on the World Watch List of Christian persecution.” (read more here) Despite this, Miriam believes Jesus Christ is Lord to her core. Her parents first learned about Jesus when missionaries came to visit them in the sixties. They raised her and her six siblings to follow Him despite the need to do it in secret. When she was young someone proficised to her that she would be a leader for her nation and another said that she would go to North America one day.
Miriam worked for the government and that meant she could not receive an exit visa. One day she got a letter in the mail saying she had been exempt from her job. She was so shocked and excited she thought it would be a good idea to apply for an exit visa to the U.S. She said after working really hard to find a sponsor, the government didn’t even look at her paperwork they just gave her a passport and visa to America. She found out right before she left she was pregnant with her son Hosea and considered not going. Miriam however knew God had ordered her steps to the U.S. and if He wanted her there he would provide. So with only a baby in her belly she left for the states.
She now has aslylum in D.C. and is the most incredible light for Christ. She had heard from Jamie’s pastor (our connection to her in the first place) that she was getting married and she said she immediately burst into tears. Miriam told Jamie not take for granted how special it is that her and Angel get to profess their love to each other before God and all their friends and family and not fear imprisonment or death. She told us her and her husband got married in secret as were all their church services, bible studies and prayers.
I don’t have a wedding coming up like Jamie, but I immediately thought of my baptism this fall and how big of a deal it was that I could proclaim publicly that Jesus was my Lord and savior with out fear of persecution. I realized while listening to this incredible woman of faith that Jesus wants to free us all – to break every chain. I felt Him say, I gave her freedom and I can free you too!
Miriam pointed out all the furniture in the room and how 100 percent of it had been given to her by different people. She said when you follow Jesus He provides, “He doesn’t want to give us the least, He wants to give us the best!” This is the better plan God has for us when He asks us to wait for His timing.
I told Miriam that I knew God had huge plans for her, I could feel it. She came here to find freedom but I truly believe God plans to use her to bring others freedom from sin and lies with her story and faith. She had done that for me.
Over the next month and half Jamie and I got to know Miriam really well. Jamie showed her American fashion and she showed us how God shows up when you completely sell out to your faith. I taught her how to grocery shop and she taught me that having the Holy Spirit means you are never alone.
I brought her a box of baby clothes some one at church was giving away. Inside was a small pair of New Balance tennis shoes and then fit Hosea perfectly. I cried, overwhelmed with honor to simply have carried the box that contained this sweet child’s first pair of shoes. I felt in that moment that this is truly the meaning of life on earth. God must have had moments like this in mind when He decided we should live in community with one another.
Miriam told me that God probably brought me to DC for 200 reasons and she believed she was one of them. I think so too. He used her to heal my heart and to show me that all those who come to the Father through the Son will truly know freedom and purity.
“Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe; sin had left a crimson stain, he washed it white as snow.”
When April 10 hit, I picked up Miriam for the big day. It was Jamie and Angel’s wedding and they had sent her an invitation – in fact, she was my date.
Jamie and Angel said I DO and Miriam and I both cried and praised God for He truly brings freedom to the captives! After the ceremony we danced literally all night rejoicing in the love of the Father and our freedom in Christ!
I said at the beginning that this was my story to tell, but really it is much bigger than just me – all things with God tend to be that way – His plan is always bigger and better. So one day I’ll get married too and i’ll wear white to remember how Christ pursued my heart, changed my life and truly makes all things new again!
