I’ve been really struggling lately… And when I say lately, I mean the past 3 months. It’s definitely possible that it’s been longer than that, but the internal battle I’ve been wrestling with has just gotten worst in the recent months.
The hands of my heart have been clinging on to my faith with utter desperation because I’m afraid that if I let go, I’m going to leave the World Race having lost all faith completely. Since traveling the world, experiencing different religions and worldviews, I have come face to face with many doubts about my Christian faith.
Is the God I worship really the one, true God? If He is who He says He is – perfectly good, all powerful, and just – how can so much evil and suffering exist in this world? The typical, cliche answers don’t satisfy me anymore. I have seen the world’s suffering with my own eyes. And now it has me questioning everything that I know and believe about the God I have surrendered my life to.
It’s not fun having these thoughts. Believe you me, if I could, I would erase them from my heart as soon as they come. I wish it were that simple. There seems to be an extra dose of shame that comes with these questions and doubts since I’m currently serving as a missionary around the world. I have to confront them as I’m surrounded by amazing men and women of faith and sharing the Gospel with non-believers.
It’s so easy to fake faith. I know how to say eloquent prayers. I know how to give a Gospel presentation to people who have never heard of Jesus. I know how to put on a mask in front of my Christian community to make it look like I’m doing well. I know how to be spiritual…
But I don’t want to settle for a fake faith. I want an authentic one.
I don’t want to choose Jesus because that’s what I was raised in. I don’t want to choose Jesus because He’s the best out of every other religion and worldview. I want to choose Jesus because He’s real. Because He’s alive. Because He is who He says He is.
I know all of these are true in my mind, but I believe that God is taking me through a process of authenticating my faith and making it real in my heart. I’m finding out that this process can seem hopeless when you’re in the middle of it. And that’s where I’ve been these past months.
It seems that there are unwritten laws within the Christian faith: Never get angry at God, never doubt, never question, always speak in cliches about suffering, and always believe that hope comes easy for those who truly love God. Despair is a lot like grief; it’s everywhere, but nobody wants to talk about it. Now I know that if I want to live outside these laws and overcome despair, honesty is required. I have to be honest with God, myself, and those around me. I’m taking off the spiritual mask because not telling God what’s really on my heart feels like bad-mouthing Him inside the closet of my mind.
So I’m coming out of the closet…
And by doing so, I’m learning so much about myself in this journey that I’m on!
God is not intimidated by my doubts and questions. He already knows the secrets of my heart (Psalm 44:21) which frees me to be completely honest – because no matter what His love for me will never change. He can never love me more and never love me less than his perfect, steadfast love. What God is authenticating is the heartrending struggle to be in a relationship with Love when it feels like Love has left me.
The opposite of faith is not doubt – it’s certainty. People who doubt ask tough questions because they don’t believe the world should look the way it does. Mother Teresa herself knew this battle all too well. In the collection of her journals she writes, “How long will our Lord stay away?… Where is my faith?… My God – how painful is this unknown pain… So many unanswered questions live within me – I am afraid to uncover them – because of the blasphemy.” How much comfort would it have brought her to know that she was not fighting that battle alone!
Without doubt, faith is shallow and rootless. Instead as viewing it as blasphemous, doubt serves as a refining fire. Asking these questions has the surprising effect of bringing me closer to God – not farther away!
I don’t get to choose the battles I come up against, but I do get to choose whether I fight them or not. In a way, this journey feels like a boxing match – some rounds I win and other rounds I barely come out alive. Right now, I don’t feel as defeated as I have lately. I’ve gained a lot of strength from being open with the team of women that I’m on and holding on to the promises of God’s truth.
If you look through the writings of David in the book of Psalms, you don’t see all rainbows and butterflies. What you do see is pain and anguish, raw and realness, love and hope. You see it all! And God Himself calls David “a man after His own heart”. That’s the kind of faith I’m going after.
