All of my blogs to this point have told stories of experiences and adventures. While those are fun, they only scratch the surface. I’m not an open person by nature, but that is part of this trip, to share this experience in it’s entirety through these blogs. So here is some of that other half, the half that takes place within me.
I just got off the phone with my mother because, when you’re a grown man and you have a problem, you call your mommy. Vietnam has been hard for me. It’s been hard on the entire squad, though in different ways for each individual. Some are dealing with the realities of a fallen world. Some are dealing with relationship issues. Others are simply homesick, thrown into a claustrophobic and extremely overwhelming environment. Though my recent struggles have dabbled in each of those areas, they aren’t my main issue. There is a war raging within me, and for some reason, my opponent is God.
Prior to leaving 3 months ago, I was constantly commended for what I was about to do: giving up “life” for an entire year to live as a traveling missionary. In reality, instead of being commended for what I was about to do, I probably should have been encouraged for what I was about to endure. The fact that I was restless and unfulfilled at my job made it that much easier to “sacrifice” the next year of my life. Yeah God, I’ll give you the next 11 months; I’ll follow you into poverty, I’ll live in community. Heck, I’ll even try and save some souls while I’m gone. But the honeymoon period is over, and simply giving up this year isn’t good enough anymore. He wants more from me. Though its taken me several days, I’ve finally identified a few areas of my life which I feel God asking me to relinquish. While I reserve the right to keep most of them private, I will share the main one with you: my future. Eleven months for this trip was easy, but now He’s asking for everything! Why do you pick the time when I’m most struggling to ask me to give over ALL of my future plans to you, God? I prayed a lot about this trip and was positive that you were sending me with your blessing, and now when I could use some help, all I get is a new list of requests?
And so my spiritual growth is being temporarily stunted while I wrestle with God. There is a certain amount of comfort which I’ve found in the stories of Abraham, Job, etc. But talking about the importance of giving your life over to Christ in Sunday School and staring the situation face to face in the concrete jungle known as Ho Chi Minh are two VERY different scenarios. The ironic part of this whole situation is that I don’t want to fight God on this. I want to get to the point where I can, without reservation, turn everything over to Him and not have a second thought about it. But I’m not there yet…
As my mom and I were talking about all of this, the song “Home” by Michael Buble came on the radio in the coffee shop where I’m now writing this blog. I like the Blake Shelton version better because, well, it’s country music and no other reason is necessary. And though the comfort of the twang was missing, the words are still the same:
Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
but I wanna go home
May be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
Just wanna go home
The song goes on to say…
Another aeroplane, another sunny place,
I’m lucky I know
but I wanna go home
I got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living
someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right
Homesickness hasn’t been a major problem for me. I certainly miss the people, luxuries, and conveniences that I have, until now, taken for granted, but I haven’t been homesick. For a moment when the song came on my mind went back to Virginia. I had my truck back, my dog was with me, and everything was normal again. But then I realized that I was thinking about the wrong home. The home that I really long for is my relationship with God. In the blink of an eye this trip will be over and I will be back in Virginia, and it will be my own fault if everything is back to normal. And so I want to “go home,” to give everything over to God and feel completely at peace about that. But I’m not there yet…
So please be praying that I will indeed get to the place. And be praying for all of the entire July squad. Everyone is dealing with their own sense of needing to “go home.” While the situations differ, the pain does not.
“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14
