For L Squad, month one in Guatemala was about recognizing the broken things in our past, coming alongside one another for healing, and becoming closer than many squads ever get.
One night, as we gathered for our nightly squad teaching/worship time, our squad leader, Carly, said that she had an activity for us. She asked us to take a small piece of paper, and fold it in half. Then, she asked us to write a lie that we struggle with on one side. She asked us to be totally honest with ourselves, and to write the deepest things that we struggle with. Then, she told us to write, on the opposite side, a truth that directly speaks to the lie on the other side.
After thinking for a few minutes, I knew what I was going to write down. It was hard to articulate on paper, even though I knew this exercise was for me, so it only needed to make sense to me. After giving us a few minutes to write down our lies and truths, she said, "Okay. Now we are going to go one by one, read them aloud, lies and truths."
Wait. What???
You mean, I just exposed my deepest struggle on paper, and now I have to read it to a group of 60 squadmates and 3 squad leaders? There was suddenly a tension in the room that could have been cut with a knife.
"After reading them, you are going to tear off the side with the lie, put it in this bowl, and we are going to burn them when we are done. The purpose of this exercise is so you can realize that you have the power to speak truth over yourself, instead of waiting for others to do it for you."
Katie was brave enough to go first, and one by one, we stood up, read out the lie, often in tears, then boldly proclaimed the truth over ourselves. I kept putting off going, and I tried to get up the courage several times. Once, I happened to look over at Johnny, and he was looking straight back at me, deliberately nodding, silently saying, yes, Jen, it is your turn to go.
I took a deep breath, got up, and walked to the front of the room. By the time I turned around to face the group, I was already in tears. I unfolded the piece of paper in my hands that I had been nervously unfolding and refolding for the last 15 minutes.
"I feel like I am socially awkward. I feel like people just put up with me because they have to, and that I am annoying and weird."
Those were some of the hardest words I've had to force out in public. Especially since I was crying, and it is really hard for me to speak when I am crying, and because I really believed those words as truth.
I took a deep breath, and tore the paper apart. I tossed the lie in the bowl, symbolically discarding it from my life. I refuse from here on out to believe those things about myself. It fluttered down to join the pile of other lies from my L Squad family at the bottom of the bowl.
As I turned back to the group, I looked down at the piece remaining in my hand. With a trembling voice, I declared over myself, "I have been chosen. I am a daughter of the King and I am royalty. I have 60 brothers and sisters that love and accept me."
The smiles and applause that greeted me as I looked up was affirmation for what I just said. Still trembling, I took a seat, and listened with love as the rest of the squad read their lies and declarations. Several hours and many tears later, we took the bowl outside, and set fire to the lies, saying goodbye to them forever.
That night was revolutionary for me. I realized that I have the power and the authority to address the things in my life that are holding me back, and that my social insecurities were lies that the enemy had been whispering in my ear my entire life.
So many times, I would shy away from a conversation because I thought I was annoying the person. I would overanalyze situations, and not getting a verbal invite to something was like affirmation to the insecurities, because obviously the person didn't want me around, or didn't think of me as one of the first people to invite.
These lies have held me in chains for years, and I didn't even know that I needed them off of me, because I believed they belonged there.
Don't spend your days believing the same things I did about myself. You are cherished and accepted. You have friends and family that love you for who you are. Just because you didn't get invited to something, or felt left out of the conversation doesn't mean that they did so intentionally. To Jesus, you are number one.
I encourage you to evaluate what lies are holding you back, share them with people who love you, and declare over yourself that that lie no longer has a place in your life.
I can honestly say that since that night, I have not believed another lie about social insecurity. Not that they haven't been whispered to me, I have not believed them. And it has been so incredibly freeing. My teammates and squadmates love me for me, and I know that I can be myself around them without the fear of judgement, or feeling excluded.
I don't ever want to go back and pick up those chains, and throw them back over my shoulders.
That would just be silly.
