"¿Cuantos tiempo casado?" (How long have you been married?)
"Tres y media años." (Three and a half years.)
"¿Tienes niños?" (Do you have children?)
[Chuckling]
"No."
[Shocked]
"¿Porque?" (Why?)
"Posiblemente luego." (Likely later.)
This was a conversation I had last month in Honduras, with one of our friends whose family was taking care of us. And I had more like it throughout the month. They could not believe, after having been married for three and a half years, that we did not have children.
In my experience, this does not seem to be only a Honduran cultural thing. Even after we had only been married for a couple of months, we started getting the "baby question". When are you guys going to have kids?
We definitely haven't felt a ton pressure to, especially from our families (props to you guys. We appreciate it!). And we don't mind the occasional conversational question from friends. It is fun to talk about sometimes.
I think part of the problem is that I definitely want kids. So much so, that baby fever often hits me in waves. And it usually coincides with lots of people around me having babies. And then, that annoying guy called jealousy pops up. And I start questioning.
What if we did end up going home from the Race early, because we didn't meet our fundraising deadline? What would life be like when we get back?
And then I start planning.
Ok, we would probably go back to Springfield or move to Kansas City. Then, we would get settled back in with jobs, get an apartment again, and then it would be ok to have a baby. And then, I would start planning for the baby, picking out names, looking at cribs and sheet sets. How would we tell our families in a special way? And I would start researching adjusting cats to life with a baby in the house.
Then, I realize what the heck I'm doing. Trying to map out a life that doesn't exist yet (or ever will?) Setting my hopes on something that I don't even know how or if it will happen.
That's a dangerous road to go down.
Especially when we are on a Kingdom journey like the World Race, during which we are trying to reshape our lives and focus on Jesus, rather than trying to map out our own routes in life.
I feel like I am emotionally ready for a baby (I don't know about Josh, you'll have to ask him, lol), but I don't know if we are called to be parents yet. We want to be intentional about our time as just a couple, hence being on the World Race. We know that we want to do something with missions, maybe internationally, more permanently, and we are using this babyless time to figure out the where, what, and when.
So, I very much look forward to that time. Especially after my nephew Henry was born in July, and after my short stint as a nanny (I filled in for a friend while she was on maternity leave for 2 months). I have always wanted to be a mom, and especially now, being married, it is really easy to imagine life with kids.
I am also learning that God's plan for our lives isn't this balance beam that we have to try to walk, and if we take one step to the left or right, we are suddenly out of it. (Check out an awesome blog by a WR alumni, Tiffany Prater, on this: http://tiffanyprater.theworldrace.org/?filename=controversial-maybe ) . He cares about what we desire, and He wants to make us happy as His sons and daughters, just like many Earthly fathers do. What matters is that we love Him, and that we are always in conversation about our lives. What I want matters to Him, and what He wants for me and for me and Josh's marriage matters to me.
But, I am claiming over myself that I will no longer be held down by pressure (from others or from myself) that I have to take control of this and just have babies already. I am released from holding jealousy in my heart for people around me who have them, and I will be content in this phase of my life. Especially since we are so incredibly blessed to get to travel the world, love on people who need a friend, learn to live and love in community, and to grow closer to God through it all.
So, maybe we'll have kids sometime soon after the Race, maybe it will be 5 years after the Race, or maybe we will be living in Africa or Asia and adopting kids. Who knows? I don't. But that is the beauty of the journey of life, and I'm excited for it.
