The automatic doors opened to the Amtrak station. As I walked through, it hit me.
This is really happening.
After a year and a half, Josh and I are finally leaving for the World Race.
With this realization, I was flooded with excitement. Then, just as quickly, I was hit with intense sadness and dread for the moment when we would have to say our last goodbyes. We had already said so many goodbyes already. Just a few hours earlier, I hugged my brother and my Dad, and tried (unsuccessfully) to hold back tears, especially when my Dad said he was proud of me. Of course I know this, but to hear it spoken makes it even sweeter.
So, we waited in the lobby for boarding time, and Shelby and I played a card game (she won). The time came to get in line to board. We talked and laughed about the movies Once Upon A Forest and Secret of Nimh. Mom and Shelby stayed with us until the very end, and I really appreciated that. The time came for us to board, and it was time to say goodbye. We hugged, cried, and told each other that we loved each other.
Then, we stepped through the doors, and onto the escalator. I remember thinking, as I cried silent tears, "Away from one family, and towards another." We boarded our train, and settled in. I looked out the window, at the train next to us, and got hit with one of the loneliest feelings I have ever experienced.
I thought back to a week before, when we were sitting in a sub sandwich shop in Kansas City with my dear friend Kayla. She was telling us about this book by Elisabeth Elliot called Path of Loneliness. I have not read it myself, but I plan to one day. Kayla told us that when she read this book, it was revolutionary for her.
Loneliness, especially for me, as an extrovert who grew up in a bigger family, is something that is terrifying. I do everything I can to avoid it. And when it does happen to sneak in, I freak out. I either fight it, or I drown in it. In her book, Elisabeth points out that loneliness isn't something to be afraid of, and it is not something that is proof of your failures or shortcomings. Rather than seeing it in a negative light, we should use our times of loneliness (which, by the way, are perfectly normal, and happen to everyone. EVERYONE. I think we all have a tendency to think that we are the only ones who deal with intense loneliness, and that everyone else has it all together. I'm starting to learn that those are lies), to draw closer to God. We should see it as a precious time when everything else is seemingly stripped away, we can truly experience the love and comfort that He has to give us.
So, as I was sitting on the train, having just experienced some of the hardest goodbyes, I decided to make good of that time. I closed my eyes, and felt God's love around me. This is definitely not to say that I stopped crying then. I needed to cry. Some of the most healing times are when you are wrapped in someone's arms, crying on their shoulder. And, in that moment, I really felt so much better. Because I knew that this is something good. Yes, it is painful, but the pain is necessary for the good things to come.
I spent the rest of the train ride sleeping, listening to music, and eating the snacks my Mom had packed for us. We arrived at Union Station in Chicago, and were picked up by a squadmate and his parents. We drove to the hotel, checked in, and Josh and I decided that we wanted to meet one of our other squadmates, Liz, downtown.
A hotel shuttle, train, busride, and an hour and a half later, we found ourselves at Navy Pier. We met up with Liz and her friend Faith, had some dinner, and had to head back to the hotel so Josh could make it in time for his meeting. So, bus, train, shuttle again, and we made it back to the hotel just in the nick of time.
As I sit here typing this, I am a bundle of emotions, but mostly excitement. I can't wait to reunite with the rest of our squad tomorrow, and begin this crazy adventure.
Stay tuned for further installments of Launch Chronicles…
