This morning, at church, one of our pastors was speaking on the Sabbath. If you have spent much time in church, you have probably heard your fair share of Sabbath sermons. This one was different, though.
He talked a lot about how we live in a culture that is very time structured, and which feels like the more you can get in and get accomplished, the better. He said that taking a Sabbath is not a suggestion, it is a command. Our bodies are not made to withstand that kind of routine of being in a constant state of going. If we keep going this way, we are literally killing our souls. Lots of people I know will admit that they have a hard time with overcommitting, and with saying no.
This is not me, actually.
I understand the importance of resting. I LOVE napping, and do it often. My resting usually consists of reading, watching TV, getting on the computer, etc.
My problem, however, is taking a mental Sabbath. Even if I am physically resting, my mind is going a million miles an hour, stressing and worrying about things that need to be done, that I am not taking action to accomplish at that time. Then, I think about the "L" word-lazy. I feel lazy because I am not getting anything done when I clearly have so much to do. Therefore, I cannot physically relax because I am feeling guilty that I am not using my time wisely. Then feelings of inadequacey come up. I think to myself, why can't I get this stuff done? There must be something wrong with me. And physical rest almost always wins out. I tell myself that I will deal with the problems later, and they eventually snowball until they are an out of control avalanche.
It's a vicious cycle: if I am accomplishing all of the things I feel like I "need" to be, I cannot rest physically. If I am physically resting, I can't mentally rest. It just results in an exhausting, unfulfilling way to live life. And I'm tired of that.
I think part of the reason I have trouble with this is because I want to have control. I want to control the things that go on around me, and of course that is impossible, so when I feel out of control, I get overwhelmed, and just want to shut down to trying.
When we are on the mission field (and why wait until then? Why not starting now?), I want to be physically AND mentally present. If I am constantly stressing about that next financial deadline, or safety, if we are going to make it on time somewhere, how in the world can I be effective at ministry?
It is difficult for me to find the happy medium between being responsible and accomplishing things, and making sure that I get adequate rest. It is definitely something in my life that needs to be worked on and refined, and there is no easy answer. I just have to be all in to be willing to change. Of course I am excited about the ministries we will get to be a part of this year, but I am even more excited about the change that will happen within me. I want to leave this old, broken, controlling, self-centered person behind, and step into the woman that God wants me to be.
Please pray for this change in me. I am excited for what the future will bring.
