Old habits die hard.
The last month before launching for the World Race, I have been warned and the toxic fruit of that warning has come to fruition, is the roughest month before you leave. There is substantial spiritual warfare, temptation, and struggles coming up.
To combat this, to fight fire with fire, to “turn trying into trusting,” I have chosen to go on the road with my friends ministry focused band, Mouth of the South.
The funny thing is, we are on tour with Nothing Til Blood. Of course that would be the band we are on the road with, for those of you who have been following my story since the coast to coast bicycle tour I did last year, I ran into them twice on that trip here and here.
Will and Travis from NTB in Broken Arrow, OK
This tour has been fruitful thus far. From teaching the guys in MOTS what feedback is, and having them apply it to one another, to talking to kids and other bands at shows from anything to Calvinism and the Propagate (those who aren’t unconditionally elected) to early fatherhood to suicide and salvation. There was a young man in Tulsa who began talking to us about how his friend committed suicide and whether or not salvation belonged to this young god-fearing man who was going through depression.
The messed up thing about the entire situation was that the their teacher in high school essentially gave a sermon a few weeks before the kid fell asleep saying that if you commit suicide you will still go to heaven, which is partially true, but in that context it seems to have been done in a toxic way that wasn’t inviting to share problems. I don’t know the full story, because I wasn’t there. A few years ago at the Village someone on staff committed suicide and Pastor Matt gave a sermon about how self-centered and irrevocable suicide is, but, the cross is bigger than that. Jesus died for all of our sins, past present and future. Which include desperation for perceived freedom, the only problem with that is it is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.
If you’re reading this and have struggled with that in the past, I have, no shame in that either. It was a rough season. Just know that there is hope.
Josiah said this last night on stage in this small baptist church in Gassville, Arkansas (honestly, it was the basketball court floor in the gymnasium, but a stage nontheless),
“Despite your shortcomings,
Despite what you did yesterday,
Despite what you will do tomorrow,
You are loved
And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.”
Often times whenever we preach or talk about what’s going on, we forget that maybe our friends or ourselves need to hear that. What one of my best friends said hit me. There’s a famous comedian who was raised in church, was badly burnt by religion, and absolutely rejects it now. He has a song from the perspective of God where he says, “My love is the kind you have to earn, and once you earn it you don’t need it.”
Close. And honestly, that comedian is closer to God than most religious church people because he isn’t pretending to be where he is or isn’t. My first mentor and the older brother who showed me who Jesus was by his actions and friendship, Alex, told me about this old latin proverb, Esse Quam Videri. Which means to be rather than appear.
So, if you re-arrange that comedian’s verse it can hit hard in truth.
“My love is not the kind you have to earn, and once you earn it, you don’t need it.”
If God’s love is the kind you have to earn, than that isn’t the love you need. You need unconditional love. That’s the gospel, friends. That he who knew no sin became sin so that we might inherit the kingdom of God (2 Corinthians 5:21). That while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). Despite our shortcomings. In the muck of our darkest days.
The crazy thing about spiritual warfare is the enemy woes us to rot our teeth out. He is forever old, knows everything about us and hates us with a fiery passion. It honestly breaks my heart and I remember when I would leave sunday school as a wee lad I would often pray for him. I guess I still do sometimes. The enemy will show us candy, and we will fall in love. However the obsession with candy, or whatever vice it is in this example that candy represents, we often start to forget our other responsibilities and restrain. We eat too much candy and get stomach sick, a sugar rush followed by a sugar coma, or we don’t brush our teeth, getting cavities and rotting our teeth out by this consuming desire.
Last night I ran into an opening band, a man named Stephen who did slam-beat poetry. His metal band had recently broken up and his wife was expressing to me that every week after he would perform and present the gospel in poetry form to kids across the region, he would experience really rough spiritual warfare from the enemy. Man, I can relate. She was a new Christian and began basically describing how she was the strength of her husband during this time and I asked her about Proverbs 31. She hadn’t heard of it before, but definitely now is looking up to that standard and pursuing that. Proverbs 31 tells us what to look for in a godly woman, and as godly women what to live up to (or try).
Since I leave for the World Race within a few weeks I am what you would call a “baller on a budget.” Depending on the Lord to provide since I am saving my pennies, and so far in the last three days he has provided six meals. Insane. That ish is bananas. I wasn’t sure if it was challenging him or just allowing him to provide. My alumni on the World Race, Kyle, told me that whenever he would bring his water bottle and backpack and backup peanut butter to the field with him he would have his comfort and security. He would have a backup plan if the Lord chose not to express his providence in food that day. However, he said that whenever he began letting that go and just going into his mission days without anything and depending on the Lord he felt so free. He felt connected to the people he was there with, the locals, and the Lord by depending on what he had. Maybe sometimes he would skip meals, but that dependence on the Lord for his nutrition was there and something I’m trying to practice. I don’t want to go into the World Race comfortable and with a back-up plan, yes there is practical application, but I need to trust the Lord to provide and not always depend on pulling my boot straps up.
A humbling feeling last night when we arrived to the venue as we are unloading equipment and merch and all that, a man with a big smile and a moderately sized crimson beard grinned and questioned me, asking me why I am not currently on the World Race. He had been following me online for the last year on social media and was an awesome man named Gallen who put on the show. What a great guy, and it was such a humbling feeling knowing this man had met me last year and began following my story, all the way through Man Versus Malice (my last band) and the World Race.
Hector from NTB with the kids from Gassville, Arkansas
Another kid we met and have known for a few years, Tyler, as we were leaving I asked him to pray for us on the Race, and he laughed and gently expressed. “Of course, man. I already have been.”
It’s crazy to know the extend your voice can reach. Who is praying for you and what that can mean. My last post reached 500 views online and absolutely blew me away. A few friends I grew up with began messaging me asking about why I believe what I do, and man I am a piss-poor example of a righteous man, but I’m trying. I’m turning that trying into trusting, as Josiah would say. You are never too much of a train wreck to show Christ.
You will always have baggage and will probably always be a mess, but the Lord is good and through that, despite your shortcomings, despite what you did yesterday and will do tomorrow, you are loved. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.
Colton from MOTS, a dear brother and good man.
-J
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