I don’t know about you, but I have a serious issue with selfishness. Who woulda thought that the missionary would say that? Yup, we have our issues too. When I say selfishness, I think I mean more entitlement, but it comes across in the form of taking care of myself before others. Or thinking about my needs above others. It shows itself in the rush to the shower after the group workout. Or when I take extra dip at snack time. And there’s the always constant nabbing the last bit of water before I go out on a walk, even though I know I probably won’t drink it all. Hey, a guys gotta drink, yeah?
Well, I’ve noticed this issue goes deeper than just selfishness. When I’ve considered what it really means, what it really comes down to, it’s trust. Do I trust the people around me to consider my interest, and do I trust God to provide for all my needs? This trust issue isn’t particular to just water breaks and snack time, though. We spend a lot of time thinking through or “processing” our struggles on the race. You know, those things that hold you back, make you feel tethered down, or just sort of control you.
Well, for those who knew me best before the race, and those who know me well now on the race, know that I have one particular hold up: women. Yup, I think they’re great, but sometimes what I want in a relationship with them is often more consistent with dating than friendship. Being in a community requiring singleness the whole year has really caused me to consider this. For the longest time, the reason I coveted this romantic relationship, at least I thought, was loneliness. And I think there is some legitimacy to it. I worried that I would be alone, forgotten, overlooked, neglected, or of no value for the rest of my life. Yes, I also found that women gave me value too. But more so, I thought that no woman would want to date me if I didn’t go way out of my way and always have that on my mind. I thought marriage was out of the question unless I made it constantly the question on my mind.
I had an infatuation with it. It’s something I really wanted, but again, it was all rooted in loneliness. Or, so I thought. As I began to really see that the Lord cares about me specifically, chose me, adopted me, picked me to be in his kingdom, his family, those thoughts of being undervalued, unappreciated, and forgotten soon went away. They still linger at times, but they went away for the most part. Recognizing that you’re a child of God is a magnificent realization, and one that I hope you get to experience yourself one day if you haven’t yet.
But, when the challenges and tendencies of seeking women for romantic reasons, rather than platonic reasons came back, it didn’t make sense. I had confronted my loneliness, God showed me I wasn’t alone; this should be over. That wasn’t the real issue.
Scripture tells us to take up our cross and follow Christ. Also, in the Book of Mark, the rich young ruler asks Jesus what must he do to inherit the Kingdom. He had held with the Lord commandments, and wanted to make sure nothing was standing in his way. So, Jesus showed the ruler his heart and asked him to forsake all his riches and follow him. The ruler turned and walked away. And that’s where my heart really is with this whole relationship mess.
My heart is with the ruler: anxiety that I might not get something I really want. What might the Lord ask me to give up for his glory? What might the Lord ask me to forsake in order to follow him better? Will what the Lord calls me to require that I not have a family? Or would that at least be the better option? I don’t think desiring marriage, kids, or family is wrong or unbiblical. I just think sometimes the Lord asks us to stay away from Holy things that still aren’t necessary to devote more of our time to him, or because the plans he has for us wouldn’t allow the necessary time to commit to those things. I’m worried that the Lord might ask me to be single for the rest of my life and he’s saying trust me. Or at least call me to something that is best done single. He’s asking me to forsake relationships, the Holy Grail of life for those who live in the South. He’s asking me to give up something that is considered a measuring stick for success by some people I care about the most. And that’s part of it probably. He wants me to see marriage differently, and not enter into it just because it’s something to do, but it’s something to respect and value.
More than that, it’s because the Lord wants me to trust him on this. He wants me to say yup, I don’t need marriage to enjoy life. Yup, I don’t need marriage to live a life for the Lord. Yup, marriage doesn’t complete me. Yup, marriage isn’t my number one. And it’s hard to say that, it’s hard to willing say “yes, I’m okay with not having this” when you’ve wanted it for so long. But I’m trying to on a daily basis. I’m trying to make sure my heart is in the right place, and finding my value from the right source. I’m trying to make my measuring stick the cross of Christ rather than the life of others. It doesn’t always work. It’s not always easy and it even sometimes frustrates me that the Lord could call me to singleness to see this idol die.
Not always do Christians openly discuss the fear that might come with following the Lord. He does promise, guarantee, and ensure suffering. He says that our walk with him will be along the straight and narrow. He said we might get persecuted for your beliefs. When we tell people about Christianity, we often preach the freedom, closeness, completeness, and goodness that come with living a life accepting of Christ. Christ does offer those, however when we downplay the hard part and neglect to mention hardships and costs, people mute when they confront trepidation in their call to Christ.
I’m not sure if he will call me to a life of singleness, and I hope to be able to tell you he didn’t on my wedding day. For now, though, I think it’s wise to believe that marriage won’t work if I don’t first set aside my selfishness and trust the Lord.
