Nothing about these past couple of weeks have been easy. I was praying before I came to Guatemala that the Lord would carry me in times of pain (because of my injured back). I never thought the Lord would be carrying me through the heartache and pain I’ve experienced while being on the race so far.
The Lord has been my absolute defender, my avenger and my consistent stability.
These past couple of days I have been walking in some real pain that has produced some unintentional apathy that has effected my involvement on the race and also with my team. As I’ve been sitting in this heartache The Lord has given me a whole new definition of what clinging to the cross looks like.
I have felt so alone…and every time the Lord has reminded me that He truly is my shield. That He has been my defender before and he will continue to carry that character because thats who He is.
I was pulled upstairs Tuesday night for team time and some of my team went around and shared a common conviction on their heart for not loving me fully. Satan had been attacking for these past two weeks and a lot of them had been sitting in this division of bitterness. I had felt alone, because I was.. We all had been walking on egg shells around each other.
I had been avoiding doing anything wrong or hurting anyone so I kept quiet, I listened and cried a lot, I stopped being me, because I was so fearful failing my team, failing myself and failing the Lord.
They saw me not doing anything, or not doing enough, they saw me frustrated which frustrated them.
Truth hurts sometimes and that night I had some hard truth to swallow. As I balled my eyes out in our leaders arms… I couldn’t help but let their past judgments about me define who I was. I wasn’t wanted, loved, or accepted by my team these past two weeks and even though they were apologizing I didn’t wanna accept it or move forward. All I could think about was my biggest fear on the race had already occurred; failing my girls, failing them in ways I had no control over. I couldn’t help but be mad at myself for who I was. How the Lord had created me.
My friend defines himself as a rusty hammer and for so long I could see the resemblance of myself in that analogy. You’re not gonna like it, but you’re gonna need it.
Thats how I’ve seen myself for a while now, It all made sense to me. I have a gift of speaking truth but not everyone wants to hear it. Not everyone is going to like what I have to say, even if I say it with the most gracious tone because people don’t want the truth, they want something that tickles their ears tickle and makes them feel good and I don’t have that to offer.
The Lord showed me on a walk with Heather that the Lord doesn’t see me rusty, I’m made pure He doesn’t see me as not wanted or not valued. He sees me as beautiful and worthy of being loved.
“You are altogether beautiful my love and there is no flaw in you” Song Of Solomon4:7
The Lord has used this verse in my life through out my walk and He gave me a new view on how He truly sees me as His daughter.
The Lord doesn’t create rusty, all of His creations are beautiful and made new.
I’m excited to walk towards freedom with my girls by loving, serving, accepting and appreciating them in new ways.
Love Texas
