I’ve got this problem where even when things aren’t fine I say they are. I know, I know; it’s a terrible problem to have. I just can’t seem to break it.
During team time, we had a time where we got to be in the “hot seat” and have people give us feedback both positive and constructive. When it was my turn in the hot seat, one of my teammates told me she was excited to get to know me but I made it hard for her.
I would hide my feelings and say “but whatever, it’s fine” when it really wasn’t fine at all. I looked back on certain times when I wasn’t fine and realized that this is probably one of my most used sayings. I say it constantly.
One of the things I’m working on now is trying to let them know what things aren’t fine. I’m trying to better assess my feelings and know when to tell them things aren’t exactly going how I imagined.
For example, one day during ministry we were cutting out masks for the children. We needed a certain amount for each group, so we were all sitting there cutting out farm animal masks (they were going to learn Old MacDonald had a Farm).
At a certain point, one of my teammates could see on my face that things weren’t going great with me. She asked me what was wrong, and at first I told her everything was fine. She knew it wasn’t fine. I told her what was going on in my head, and then everything became fine.
I get so worked up about how people perceive me, and I never want people to think I’m upset. I tend to just show people I’m happy or fine when really my emotions are all over the place. I’ve never liked showing my true emotions to anyone. Including my family at times. I’d just rather bottle them all up until they eat me alive as opposed to getting them out and processing them.
This first month has been great for me in dealing with my emotions because when we left Bogota, I cried forever. I started crying before Friday night worship service and then cried all through service and for probably two hours after.
It was good for me to be able to process through that with my team because they were feeling similar emotions about leaving the people whom we had just gotten to know. We made ourselves a little home with them and then we had to leave barely a month later. I knew it was going to be hard when I signed up for the race, but I didn’t know it was going to be that hard.
Leaving my family to come on this journey was a terribly hard thing for me to do. It’s honestly something I’m still processing. However, leaving my new little family in Bogota was just as hard because I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see any of them again. I know that at the end of the race I’ll go home to my family, but my new friends may just be happy memories. Temporary goodbyes are hard, but forever goodbyes are harder.
In the end, all the good things we are doing completely make this worth it. We are getting to build relationships with people who we probably never would have gotten to meet. We are getting to love on people and show them how much God loves them. For me, that makes the goodbyes worth it even more.
Knowing I got to love on them even just for a short time makes the hard parts worth it. Knowing I got to build relationships and connect with these people makes being away from everything I’ve ever known for 11 months worth it.
Now I’ve just got to get through 10 more months of it…
