As I begin this year of introspection and growth, I realize
that I have already learned so much but have yet to act on this wisdom. I ask
the Lord what I should do and pray for understanding, but when his response is
difficult I ask the Lord again in hopes of hearing a different response. So, as
I search for this freedom from my vices, I have begun to realize that it is not
a gift that I should expect to receive but a battlefield that I must trudge
through to receive the prize. Freedom is not free. Please do not get me wrong,
grace is free but the freedom that we need to attain within our lives to
experience that grace is not free.
I have realized
that there are so many layers of pain hidden under the loss of my brother. I
realized that my brother’s death was only the key to Pandora’s box. It is
strange to think a simple drop of water in the pool of life can have such a
ripple effect. In fact, that drop of water appears so small ad so insignificant
at the time that we suppress any feelings of pain or anger, until Pandora’s box
opens and we begin to gain freedom. One by one, we begin to put together the
pieces of a puzzle of suppressed thoughts and emotions. We begin to piece
together a series of events that have made us the person we have truly become,
not the person that everyone sees but the person deep inside that some are so
afraid to share with others.
Every new
difficult memory we suppress is a new pile of dirt shoveled on top of this
person deep inside ourselves that we all so wish to liberate. We all want this
freedom from oppression, but where does that journey even begin. I have found
that it begins by sharing your deepest darkest secrets with the people you love
most and realize that the condemnation that you originally expected to receive
is not condemnation at all, but love and support. Paul says in Corinthians that
love is patient, love is kind, and love does not keep record of wrongs but
rejoices in the truth. Somewhere along the way, we forget the true meaning of
love and convince ourselves that we will be much better off if we don’t share
because we feel that handling these burdens alone is better than sharing and
possibly experiencing conflict. However, each thought that we suppress is
another pile shoveled on top of ourselves until we bury ourselves alive.
To Be Continued…
