This blog was written by my mom after her time spent in Swaziland for the World Race Parent Vision Trip. Shout out to her for being vulnerable. I know us Racers who blog regularly may make it seem easy, but putting your feelings out in a public space for the world to see can be a bit intimidating. Way to go Mama. And to everyone else, it’s well worth the read…
Thank you for being vulnerable. That sounded so weird to me. That’s what they said to me after I finally admitted how deeply I had been struggling. I knew what was happening, I knew the doubts in my mind running like a 24/7 movie for months now were lies from the evil one but I just couldn’t stop them from hurting me. They were coming at me so strongly and so personally. The last thing I wanted to appear was weak and vulnerable. Those were the exact places I was being attacked.
Jordan asked me a while back to write a blog about my experience in Swaziland, and I have to say that I do not feel comfortable writing about myself when I was there with a wonderful group of parents and young people, including my amazing daughter. Not to mention the beautiful people of Swazi who stole my heart. This feels very selfish and self centered but I have been fighting it and I feel God telling me that it’s not about me it’s about others who battle against the same insecurities. So here I go.
Our insecurities and fears can paralyze us. Not only do they keep us from living a full, free life but they also keep us from being the hands and feet of God.
Mark 12:28-31: One of the teachers of the law asked Jesus, “Of all the commandments which is the most important?” Jesus answered, the most important one is to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.
I never realized it before but when Jesus told us to love others as ourselves that pretty much means He expects us to love ourselves too, not just others. Doesn’t feel right does it? But the truth is if we are to love and accept our neighbor well we must love and accept ourselves. The reason they’re the greatest commandment is because they’re the foundation for everything.
If you’re like me you hear “love God and your neighbor”, but if you leave out loving yourself and realizing your value and worth you cripple the equation. If you refuse to accept the fact that you were so worth love that God sacrificed His Son for you, you are breaking the foundations that He put in place.
This is how it’s meant to work. We accept His love and accept that He made us just the way we are for His purpose. Then we use the gifts and life experiences He gave us to love and encourage others.
I knew better, but over the months that Jordan was gone I had slowly let fear and anxiety isolate me. I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak or needy so I put on my happy face and avoided people. I kept warning Jordan that the devil works very hard to confuse you when you’re dedicated to sharing God with others, don’t believe his lies.
Well duh…. he was working on destroying my confidence and self esteem and even though I wasn’t the World Racer, a parent’s heart is always tied to their children’s hearts and we experience our own journeys as World Race parents.
So I finally did what I should have done all along. In a gathering with all of those wonderful Racers and parents in Swaziland I finally said, “I need help, I’m really struggling!” I barely got the words out before there were prayers all around me!!! Then words of love and encouragement followed each day, and others admitting their struggles too.
I had preached it to so many kids at youth group but I had forgotten the greatest thing that God has ever taught me: Don’t be afraid to be yourself; be real. God made you your kind of weird. When you’re struggling don’t be afraid to speak up and reach out for help. Someone has felt those very same feelings and would love to share their journey. Sure it feels great to be the giver, but we can’t always be the ones giving. If no one is willing to open up for help then the chain is broken. Love and help has to be given AND RECEIVED. How do we fulfill our calling to serve one another if no one is willing to be vulnerable and receive the love that God gives us to share?
God is funny. I thought I was traveling half way across the world to love on others (and on my baby girl), when really God brought me there to teach me how to let others love on me.
Visiting Swaziland was such a gift! I loved it so much there. I met so many of Gods beautiful people I will never forget. What a rare and special gift to serve alongside my beautiful and amazing World Racer. I am truly blessed.
