Two days ago it all came crashing down on me. I’d been in beautiful Romania for a few days. I’d come down with a terrible cold, and on top of the cold symptoms I had this fatigue I couldn’t shake. Even though I was exhausted I couldn’t rest. I couldn’t dial down enough to just relax and let my body rest. I’d lay on my bed feeling like I needed a nap, but my mind would race keeping me from sleep.
I found myself Tuesday afternoon slumped in a pile on the floor. I was on Skype with my field support in the AIM office, the incredible Andi Wendel, sobbing uncontrollably. “I don’t know how I can do this for two more months. I’ve got nothing left.” I was beyond verbal processing. I was just a pile of tears and snot. I was realizing how the “normal” life I’d created in this World Race season had left me in quite a mess at the beginning of month 10.
I was face to face with my complete weakness. Face to face with my issues, my stuff, my mess. Loneliness, my struggle with being vulnerable and open and trusting, a desire to always feel perfectly in control, perfectionism, fear of what people think of me and the decisions I make, comparison with those around me.
Andi immediately recognized the gravity of the situation. She gave me permission to rest. Permission that sometimes I am unable to give myself, even when I am telling those around me how important rest is, and to make sure they take time to rest, etc. In fact, she mandated that I rest, taking pressure off of me. She encouraged me to be open with Team Hadassah about my loneliness and need for friendship. She told me to take off my leader hat, to not check my email for a week, to let Michael and our amazing logistics people, Matthew and Shannon, take care of business on Basecamp.
She spoke the full truth and reality that I am not in control. God is in control.
And then she prayed for me. One of the most blessed things about this Race for me has been the moments when I’m sitting in Kenya, or India, or Romania, and Andi is praying for me in Georgia, and I can feel my heart and mind shift, and the atmosphere around me shift in response to her heartfelt prayers to her Daddy. She is a woman of wisdom beyond her years and great spiritual discernment. I am so incredibly thankful for her presence in my life!!
After I got off Skype I felt so fragile, so vulnerable, my heart was afraid. Feelings of failure tried to creep in. How could I just let it all go? Who will take care of everything? What would I do? What will my ministry contact think? What will the squad think? How can I just rest?
The reality of how much of my identity I still find in what I do hit me. The reality that I am currently in a place where I don’t even know how to just be because I’ve been so wrapped up in doing.
And so I began a season of sweet rest and restoration.
