This last month was interesting… again. Phnom Penh, Cambodia was nothing like I had expected, not only physically but ministry wise as well, but hasn’t that been every month? It is so great to finally be “getting” this community thing, the whole idea of living, working, vacationing, and just about everything else with the same 5 people. To be able to work together as a unit, sure things go wrong but being able to address them and move on. I am truly going to miss these guys. Oh, we had a phenomenal time in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, they really know how to take care of their tourists, and in a fun way too.
So right now I am just fed up being in a large group, sick and tired of feeling like a cow in a herd being shepherded all over the place. I am looking forward to this next month in China, but also I am excited to travel after and then get back to my life. I continually pray that I will stay here in the now and realize that this is a choice. That theme as been pretty clear recently in a lot of people here, it is our choice to stay here in the now. We all go through it on a constant basis, with seasons of life starting and ending all the time.
It was really nice to have some encouragement from some team mates. They said that I had changed a lot since the beginning of the race. I asked them how. They said that I was not condescending anymore making people feel like they weren’t holy enough, and that I was holier than them. I realized that my “seeking” after the Lord was with the wrong motives. And it hurt many around me, because of how judgmental I had inadvertently become. I was being so hard on myself and also on others. I thank God for releasing me from those judgmental, condemning thoughts and letting me enjoy those around me, and I also thank Him for not being the God that I sometimes think He is. He is not a mean God out to get me, He is not a God who doesn’t care.
Malachi 1:10 “”I wish that someone among you would shut the Temple doors so that these worthless sacrifices could not be offered! I am not at all pleased with you,” says the LORD Almighty, “and I will not accept your offering.”” (NLT)
This is what I believe I was doing, I was sacrificing things to God on my own accord. I was bringing things to Him for my own, sake to make myself feel good. I was trying so hard. God doesn’t want that crap, He wants real stuff. God doesn’t want us to always be so hard on ourselves, or that’s at least where He has me right now. Sorry I can’t write more about the ministry, trying to keep people and organizations safe.
PS Thank God for Stacy?
