There is a moment, a moment of questioning God’s existence, and then finally realizing that the God of the universe lives and looks at me with great love. A moment of debilitating realization that God gave Jesus Christ to die for my sins, and another moment of questioning why He would give up His own son for my expense when I am nothing more than a speck of the earth. A moment of becoming powerless before the God of our universe, where everything that I have thought I was, never truly was the real me. A moment where I am weak to my knees, knowing that God fully loves me no matter what, makes me surrender my life that living my life independently is not the way to fully live.
A moment in time…
To really fully live is to depend on God
The problem with these moments of realizations is that I seem to always get stuck on the “depend on God” part. Moving to Texas, I learned to only depend on my own abilities, since I can only trust, well, me. Growing up, independence slowly became my life motto. College, flowing right by my eyes, were 4 years of professors teaching me independence, while forcing group projects to make it seem like the opposite.
I grew up independent
I feel independent
I have always thought I am independent
The problem with independence is the feeling of being alone. “I” overshadowed everything I do. “I” became a burden. “I” became my life.
Now, here are the past few months of my life:
I recently graduated and as you know, I am going on a mission trip for 11 months to 11 countries. I “focused” on fundraising.
For the record, let us just say that what I learned about fundraising is that I cannot do it alone. If I actually put this into practice, we can end this blog right here, call it a day, and celebrate “John’s exponential growth to dependence on God instead of his own power”. Alas, the tragedy of humans is sin, and I am definitely not an exception.
Basically, Mr. Independence took over once more and dictated the trajectory of how I would go about doing that. I took 2 part-time jobs to help pay for the trip, along with an internship to boost my resume after the WorldRace. Fundraising, to no surprise, became about working more hours, instead of asking people to partner with me for my journey.
Fundraising, when I actually do it, became a burden instead of joy. Every time I get an “I can only pray for you at the moment”, I feel happy. Then, Mr. Independence gets the fuel to want to do more shifts at my 2 part-time jobs. Every time I get a plain “no”, Mr. Independence goes on the second gear and wants to do even more shifts. Even when I get an “I will pray for you and support you financially”, Mr. Independence still goes out of his way to want to do more.
With the constant working and fundraising, and no time for rest or God, it was only natural that I feel a rift beginning to widen between God and I. I was slowly becoming engulfed into my busy world that I forget why I was doing the WorldRace in the first place. It was only a matter of time before I got sick from overworking and lack of sleep. I started thinking that I am alone. Always have been, always will be. The same problem that I encountered before becoming a Christian.
A few weeks ago, my body just completely shuts down. I couldn’t get out of bed from feeling so weak. It was then that Mr. Independence finally lets go control and starts listening more. A week of tumultuous waves turns into a week of peace about fundraising.
Matthew 5:13-16 talks about salt and light. When a salt loses its taste, what else is it good for? By making myself busy, I thought that I was getting saltier, when in reality, I have lost all my sensibility.
Matthew 6:19-34 talks about laying treasures in heaven that cannot be destroyed by moth nor rust, nor can it be stolen by thieves. Throughout that week, I felt like I was storing earthly treasures, instead of using my time to build partnership with people to support me for the WorldRace.
The second part is talking about not being anxious about anything. God provides for the birds in the sky, the lilies of the field. My favorite line, “O you of little faith?”, hits home to what I have been struggling with. Throughout the week, I had faith in my own self instead of having faith in God’s power.
Matthew 7:7-11 talks about asking and God giving us what we need. In contrary, I have been seeking without even asking. Working without knowing what I really needed. When what I needed the most is God and faith, I turned to busyness and independence. When what I needed the most is to be still and listen, I overworked myself to the point of exhaustion. Still, even through my stubbornness, He is still faithful and will continue to be faithful, calling me back home no matter how far I have turned away.
It was one of the most eventful weeks to say the least. I have never felt so powerless, yet happy and content in my life. Eventually, I would end the week with quitting one of my part-time jobs, and slowly letting God take control of my fundraising. God has put me where He wants me. He will provide.
This is why I know Jesus still exists and God is still working in our hearts each and every day: I feel powerless, yet never felt so alive. A Christian faith is a radical faith. Everyday seems like a mirror of Jesus dying on the cross for me. Everyday I try to take control, (call it independence but I now call it stubbornness), and everyday I just become disappointed from own humanity of feeling powerless. It is a radical way to live to trust that God will provide, when I cannot even trust my own independence, the thing that I have always known and grown up with, to fully live.
The reason for these? Well, it is because sin will always be paradoxical to God and His wants for our lives.
The paradox of the human life is the humans themselves: We are a creation of goodness and love through God our creator, but we are prone to straying away from God that stems from the beginning of time with Adam and Eve. A paradox in living when what seems to evade me the most is my grasp of God working in my life, and He is in everything. A paradox of personality when my favorite Ted talk speaker ever is Dr. Brene Brown, who is a shame/vulnerability researcher, yet the one thing I avoid the most while fundraising is becoming vulnerable to God, which translates in not wanting vulnerable to the people around me. A paradox in believing I was alone, when God has been and will always be with me. A paradox in living for God when I try to become independent to only realize that to fully live is to fully depend on God.
It seems like our modern world is headed towards independence, when collaboration has been and will always be in our DNA. Collaboration is how advancements in technology happened. Collaboration is how we were meant to live in a community. We were never meant to live our lives alone, because if that were the case, the world would be a really boring place full of stubborn people like myself. Collaboration is how God wants us to live. It takes faith to collaborate.
In this journey towards the WorldRace, I am sure to learn even more about depending on God, on my team, and on the people who are around me willing to support me. With my current “epiphany” about independence, I have never felt so unprepared to leave, yet never felt as ready as I have ever been to go. Will you take part in this journey with me? Will you partner with me and help send me to the world? Will you collaborate with me and teach me more about vulnerability and dependence?
