For whoever wants to keep count, I am currently on Day 26. Here is Day Eleven, as recorded in my journal…
The start of the second quarter begins. A fourth of the way complete. A chocolate banana pancake and cheese omelette filled me with the energy needed for our miles of walking and exploring after breakfast. While taking in the sights, smells, and noises of the streets was fascinating and enjoyable, there did not seem to be enough change in scenery from one block to the next to justify continuing on endlessly. So after a mile or so, we hooked a right and decided to take the long way back, circling around. And it must have been divine providence that we turne when we did because we eventually landed on the street where – without any maps or even specific destination in mind – we came right across the church and home of the late Mother Teresa.
En route, we first came across a game of cricket in a miniature little park – more like an empty lot between buildings – and got to learn a little more about this sport which is so popular here, but of which I have such little knowledge. It reminded me of a “Sandlot” type baseball game amongst kids in the Bronx or somewhere.
Anyways, the visit the Mother Teresa’s place was by far the highlight of the day. First, we were allowed into the orphan’s nursery where we saw rows of steel cribs lining one another and all the cute little Indian tottlers within them. Here is definitely something I can do which requires absolutely no words at all. Small children can be easily entertained with funny faces and gestures and they can feel the love expressed nonverbally to them. I don’t think my calling in India is just to play with small orphans, despite my handicap, but it was very enjoyable for the short time to be with them and somehow communicate all the love that is bottled up inside me.
Then as we toured the place more, coming to her indoor raised tomb and reading all about the history of her life through museum-like signs, I could feel the spirit this holy woman created and left behind. Here is a woman who truly gave everything she had to serve God; to obediently answer the “call within a call” to specifically reach out the very poorest of the poor, leaving her mark on history. I loved reading one of her quotes discussing how it became her desire to never refuse Jesus anything again. Any follower of Jesus knows exactly how impossible this goal seems. Just when you have given what you feel is everything of yourself you have to offer, God will ask for more, constantly pushing you and stretching you, showing you just how far you still have to go to be like Christ and showing you just how much you’re still holding onto rather than fully surrendering everything.
Another quote read, “I have no desire to be successful, only obedient to God.” Can I really say this truthfully about myself? I like to think I can, but it’s certainly something to continuously question. After all, I’ve never been one short on ambition, always dreaming of leaving my positive mark on this world, leaving it better than I found it. My soul has known since a very young age that, “The world as it is, is not the world as it was meant to be,” to quote my president. And with that, I always dream of restoring it in whatever small or large ways I can for anyone and everyone I can reach. So is ambition a bad thing? Is wanting to use everything God has given you to change the world wrong? I think I’m too young and not wise enough to adequately answer these questions; and for all my stated pure intentions, it is only God who knows the heart. I just pray that He will always lead me down
His paths, not my own; taht I will completely fufill His highest calling for my life, not my own.
Lastly, the greatest source of encouragement from the visit to Mother Teresa’s were the big boards leading into the “museum hall,” for lack of a better description, discussing the many aspects of fasting. Noting the Lent season, the boards discussed all the reasons for fasting, as well as all the Biblical and historic examples. In short, it was a well-timed source or inspiration and confirmation in what I am doing. It quickly lifted my spirits and strengthened my resolve, as each passing day is a new battle and becomes more difficult – not more routine – to remain silent. Along with this, it reminded me of Kelly’s message to the squad (from Day 8) the other night where she also discussed fasting. She felt that God was calling all of us to a period of fasting and that something was going to come of it that she didn’t know yet; that someone else might get the answers and be called to lead the group by sharing at a later date. Is that supposed to be me? I have no idea. It certainly doesn’t feel like it is right now, but this is a pretty intense fast and with twenty-nine days remaining, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of God putting something specific on my heart for the squad. Either way, the main point is simply the confirmations I keep getting in this course and the outside encouragement that continuously battles the doubts within. Also, as Kelly talked, I began feeling almost as if I were leading something special about to take place without saying a word. I have no idea if these thoughts are justified or not, but just sharing here the first feeling that popped into my head.
Rest of the evening was pretty relaxed. We had to ask directions a few times on the walk home. Dinner at our beloved Blue Sky Cafe was sandwiched between a little internet before and a team meeting afterward, recapping the day. I enjoyed drawing a few laughs by being the “Mr. Bean” interpreter for others as they spoke during the meeting; just want to be careful not to push being the funny guy too far. Finally, the night was capped off by a little reading on the breezy roof where I could cool off from the push-up competition I had with Neil, Kyla, Dennis, and Jessica before climbing into bed….
