My first month on the World Race in Uganda revealed these layers of my fragmented self that I, Like some over paid (maybe underpaid) bouncer, hadn’t allowed Jesus to come into. I also didn’t know that I had all those fragile fragments to fix (way to many F-words). Being in twenty four seven community shows you your shortcomings really quickly. That’s a good and beautiful thing even though it doesn’t feel like it at first.
When I left that first debrief, even though I had been met with words that I needed to hear to help me to heal and grow, and even though I repented through tears to my team for some of the mistakes that I had made, before and after my first month of the race, I still felt lost and alone.
Do you ever feel alone in a room full of people? I did, for a long time actually. But without a doubt, if you believe in Jesus, and you are sealed with the promised and present Holy Spirit, The Father will never turn His face away from you. Regardless of how you feel, you are never alone. When many things seem to be going wrong, trust God. When your life is out of your control, give thanks to God. I know that sounds crazy, but If you trust Jesus and thank Him in every circumstance, you can live above your circumstances. I was on a very slippery slope of negativity in Rwanda, but God rescued me.
Its not the years, honey, it’s the mileage. –Dr. Henry Jones
Let’s light up a dark place so these words don’t seem so heavy. This was the month that started my healing. This was a turning point in the life of a broken man. I’m going to be like Indiana Jones with a torch walking through a temple in my ancient empire of dirt to get to a treasure. The places he explored were ruins right? Well, let’s walk through these ruins side by side, let’s throw Idleness into the pit, I’ll throw you the whip, and we can find treasure together.
Alright, here we go, lets rewind Rwanda, where I spent my second month on the race. This feels like ancient history talking about this. It feels like a lifetime ago as I stand here staring at the hieroglyphics on the walls of my memories. Let’s descend into this place together, with our torches lit.
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The sun was setting over Kabuga, Rwanda, a township that’s just a beautiful hour’s drive outside of the capital city of Kigali. We were weary and nearly zombie faced from traveling the entire day, but my team and I spent the evening meeting with Pastor John, his wife Peace, their son Joy, and a woman named Sofia. We talked about our ministry for the month over Nescafe instant coffee, rice, beans and chicken.
We would be teaching English at an elementary school, doing door to door ministry, and teaching English and music classes to adults in the community during the evenings. We would also preach and give testimonies during the church services. It sounded like a pretty great month.
My personality type lends me this need for space and quiet, because I am constantly creating and dreaming up new stories to tell. My team was very loud and we all lived in one house.( We were voted loudest team in many conversations) So I would constantly go on walks, think about life, and recite spoken words I was working on.
I would usually head out just after dinner and stroll down the roads when the sun was leaving its last light of the day. I felt blessed and happy on these walks, because when I talked to God to the beat of my footsteps, I knew that I needed him more than I needed anything else. I knew that I was at the end of myself. I was at the end of my line. I was poor in spirit. I knew that God’s kingdom was knocking at the door to my heart.
I would be happy and angry and all the feelings I could feel during these walks at night. I was a smoothie of emotions. Kind of like the movie Inside Out, I realized that I processed things with multiple feelings. I would feel overjoyed and reserved at the same time, stuff like that, I know it’s a bit paradoxical but I know a lot of people who operate like that.
I would think about the ministry days. I would remember jumping up and down and dancing with the kids at school.
I would remember their faces as we taught them very Basic English. I would remember laughing with them as they sang our silly songs.
More often than not, I would just breakdown, partly for some of the sad things I saw, and I would cry out to Jesus for help and guidance in life in general.
Some friends of mine were in Greece at the time. These were beautiful humans that I loved about a thousand times as much as I love recces cups. They were helping with the Syrian refugee crisis. I prayed for them more than anything else that month. I prayed that God would protect them in every way, and that He would bless the people that they came in contact with. I think I learned the meaning of “pray without ceasing” when I prayed for them.
I might not have understood how to communicate vulnerability with other people yet, but I had no problem communicating it to God. He loved me and gave me peace time and time again, even with everything that was going on. I felt truly comforted in His presence. All I needed was the presence of the Father with me, and I was alright. It didn’t matter where I was in the World. I would be alright with God beside me. God is committed to me and absolutely capable of caring for me. God is my first love and I do not want to forget Him.
I could be overwhelmed,
but I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. –psalm 13:5
On these walks I had open space. I didn’t feel trapped or confined in anyway. The roads felt like they went on forever, and I honestly felt like they were all mine. Even though the roads in front of me looked pretty easy and straight forward, I did not want to go it alone or without Gods help. When I relinquished my struggles and my victories to God, I felt like the world was mine. I wasn’t trapped or held captive by them anymore. I’m not my failures and I’m not my victories. I was blessed in this wide open space with God. I stopped spending strength on things outside of my control. I found real strength in that. When I released my tight grip, I had open hands to receive so much more.
I was starving for something good spiritually like I do physically when I decide the only place that can fill my stomach is an eight dollar Chinese buffet. I really needed to be filled up. I felt like I was pouring out in ministry but not being fed anything useful. I was, however, actually being incredibly blessed directly by almost every moment in my day.
These kids at the school were teaching me a lot. Their tiny hugs and smiling faces filled me with a lot of life. The adults in the music classes were teaching me endless patience, both in how they demonstrated it with themselves, and how time and time again I would show them where to put their hands on the piano or the guitar. I was being blessed time and time again. I was satisfied time and time again.
I just didn’t feel it in the moment, but later on God revealed to me all the ways he was filling me up. My Z-squad also got together for a worship night, where Brooks, Andrea and I, led. I felt poured out and full at the same time.
Our team was robbed maybe three weeks into our time of ministry in Rwanda. Some of us were even at the house when the robbery took place. The thieves made off with a lot of our electronics. My laptop that I used for editing pictures and videos was taken. I was off at the church doing music classes when Alex came up and told us about the robbery. I thought maybe he was kidding.
I walked back quickly to the house with Mardie, and I had a spirit of peace initially. I even said “The Lord gives and The Lord takes away.” That was me trying to be spiritual in an attempt to rise above a situation before I had even gone through it. That was naive of me. I hadn’t gone through the fire yet and I was talking like the burns had healed.
When I got to the house however, I became very angry about the situation. I realized that my computer was gone and that I wouldn’t be able to make videos again while I was on the trip, except maybe through iMovie on my iPod, which thankfully was with me or it would have been gone too.
The one thing that gave me a slightly good feeling in the moment when I stared at the dust free rectangle of wood on the table where my computer had been sitting just an hour before was the fact that the thief had unplugged my hard drive when they swept through the house. I hadn’t lost my pictures or videos from Uganda or debrief.
A lot of words were shared and some people who were innocent were taken into custody (they were eventually cleared from their charges). When we went to the police station to give report, we all just said we would like to have our stuff back, and that we forgive the people who took it. The officers were surprised that we weren’t demanding justice. We forgave them and gave them a second chance.
I realized that we had been very merciful to these people, even though we weren’t sure who had stolen our stuff. When we were in Ethiopia, our stuff was recovered and was sent back to the United States. My laptop was damaged, but I have since received a new one. I firmly believe because we gave mercy, instead of demanding justice, God blessed us, and showed us mercy. God delights in showing mercy and mercy triumphs over judgement.
God showed us in this very annoying couple of days that we ultimately cared about sharing the love of Christ more than our stolen property. We realized that none of it was really ours, and that our lives aren’t even really ours. God had put hearts in us to love regardless of circumstance, and to move forward, even though a little scathed, as if we were unscathed. We still continued to do ministry with the same intentionality and the same joy that we started the month with.
Jesus gave wisdom to my friend Mardie to help me find peace in the fact that even though our stuff had been taken we weren’t hurt. The important thing was that we were safe and together and God had a plan in all of this. God used her to help me come to a place of peace in my heart that I needed to find to continue to serve each ministry we came to faithfully. Joy isn’t dependent on my circumstances, its dependent on staying close to the heart of God.
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Each of my late evening walks took me passed a school. It was a boarding school of sorts, and the students would sing hymns in praise to Jesus. When I think back on it, I think their voices always kind of ushered me to a place of focus on Jesus like audible neon lights. Their harmonies got me into harmony with my creator. These serenades in the cool of night, with the stars above me shining bright, helped me get my heart right.
Let’s get out of here and come up for air. There’s beauty in those ashes in that old part of my story. Its foundational to my future. I needed it all to be the man I am today. Let’s get back to ground level, where we can view our circumstances humbly. That’s where I was at after Rwanda. I was back on ground level.
I felt six feet under most of the month. I wasn’t above my circumstances, I was buried underneath them. God still used me though, broken as I was. I know that without a doubt. I know that because of the friends I made. I know that in the moments of door to door ministry when I saw God soften hearts. I know that even though I was broken and low, God used me. He did much more than that.
God truly freed me from so much during my time there. It was like He was literally pulling me out of the pit each time I talked to him, and stared up at the stars in between the Rwandan rain clouds. Every step with Him was like an ascension and recovery of lost ground. I could finally begin to move forward with Jesus. I could move forward with the joy and peace that walking with Him brings. I also began to learn to be vulnerable with God for real that month. That led me into much richer community with my team and squad over the course of the rest of The World Race. For Freedom Christ has set us free. Let’s walk in that freedom together.
