Most Protestants don’t do silent prayer retreats; taking time to seek the Lord and pray and get away, but this was a huge things for the early church. Hungarian mountains are beautiful, and it’s even more magnificent when walking through in silence and constant remembering of the greatness of God compared to yourself. Our contacts this month have cared more about investing in us Racers (since we’re near the end) as they want us in them in their ministry. 
We’re challenged to go on a difficult hike through the Hungarian hills and to the top of the mountain with specific rules and meditative thoughts. We must be in complete silence for the hike that was about seven hours, and I wondered when the last time I truly was silent for seven hours alone besides sleeping. We weren’t to speak at all even though the part up the mountain would be tough, but the whole time in meditation constantly saying the words of the Jesus Prayer over our minds; “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.” 
There’s a vulnerability in being personal and open about things you’re dealing with, and I intend to be vulnerable in this blog. There were four places in this hike we would stop and journal and have specific questions to ask ourselves concerning our sin and the Holy Spirit. The goal was a state of humble repentance before God and total dependence on the Holy Spirit, and going up the Lord to specifically show us sin in our lives. Might I first add that we are in the Hungarian mountains as it’s turning fall, and the views were breathtaking of the colors across the land and the leaves you walk on; God’s a great artist.
Why am I scared of this? Is it because I am somewhat afraid of what I’ll go through and feel, but at the same time I know that I need it. I’m scared of the process of brokenness; to be purged, to see myself as who I really am, but Lord you know how hard my heart is and so in this time of silence let this be true for me and more like Your Son.
In Romans 7, Paul says that after he becomes a believer he still deals with sin. So before this stop I was to constantly say, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner,” and he would reveal them to me.
Journal: Almost to the top, near a wooden shelter, overlook of mountain. So we’re through the first part of the journey Father, and I’m so amazed at the complete beauty of your creation and the scene of Hungary is amazing. The trail got tough climbing up and my back is sweaty and legs tired; we’re only in part one. But I feel you’re already breaking me in the walk the way you’ve revealed some of my sins were by random thoughts that came and distracted my thoughts during times of silence and focus on one simple prayer.
1. Lust – a foremost struggle for guys, minister or not I still struggle. I can’t do this on my own.
2. Comparison/Jealousy – At times I have thoughts of comparison and realized this is a really really deep root. Not what just people do that I don’t, but what others say about them and not to me. This is where a lot of pride comes in, but specific.
3. Affirmation – I try to find my affirmation and acceptance a lot of time outside of the Lord; girls, things I do, ministry, what people say of me, in ministry we struggle with this a lot.
4. Patience – I lack patience a lot, well at the time mostly. Even when Brett mentioned this before the walk I knew this would hit me. I struggle with patience.
5. Self-control in speech – Sometimes I speak before I think and it doesn’t come out well, too much sarcasm, and comes out not in love. My speech at times is fire that becomes sinful. Not derogatory words, but not thinking before I speak. May be good words but not the best.
The physical expression of this is incomparable. Climbing up a mountain breaking and stretching my body to exhaustion and feel like God is stretching and breaking me spiritually. I realize my limits, physically, emotionally, spiritually. You’ve created all these mountains and I can barely get up one it feels. It’s showing me how exhausting it is to try on my own in my pride and it’s sin. Father, break me of my sin and the roots deep in my heart dug out. Jesus says it’s not what goes into the person that makes him unclean (that’s a whole other discussion about other legalistic things), but what comes out and that means my heart. Clean my heart, protect my mind, and control my tongue.
Journal – Hundreds of trees stand tall and it makes me thing of the complete protection the trees give me as it rains. Holy Spirit I pray that you will protect me from all the flaming darts of the evil one. That God is my shield of faith in me, Christ is the victor and the Holy Spirit will be my sword. The cares of this world are many; materialism, modernity (always have to have the new), money, power, greed, things, stuff, lust, selfishness, to be first, to put down those who are low, not thinking of the needy, poor, broken. Not just the devil, who is the leader of this all, but Holy Spirit guide me and protect me from such temptations that affect and attack me personally. Keep them from my mind. Remind me that you are much more satisfying than what the world can give and let me press into you Father when I feel tried or tired. How the cares of this world can entangle me and cause me to stumble from the Word I’ve received and become dead. I cannot do this on my own and I need the Holy Spirit to help me fight. Give me holy thoughts and clear motives with a desire of godliness and holiness. And as I soon go back hoe and I face the familiar and comfort, don’t let me get stuck or complacent but to continue this movement wherever, whenever, and however He leads.
In my prayer during this walk I prayed for each one and what that meant to me, then the ones i really needed work on:
Love – unconditional; meaning really loving people no matter who they, the past, or what they’ve done to me.
Joy – A deep deep joy that is greater than any trial or trouble.
Peace – that I would be a peace maker, not of war of hatred and if there is any disharmony of people from my life there would be harmony. Reconciliation because I am at peace with God at His own expense, as far as it depends on me, make peace “and not war”.
Patience – How impatient I am at time when I get upset maybe at others who don’t push or achieve the best I know they can do. Impatient on wanting to know what the Lord has for me next and it’s a massive sign of real lack of trust.
Kindness – to be kind and not defile, not quarrel but God’s kindness led me to repentance.
Goodness- God is all together good and all He made is good, my goodness is a direct reflection of Him in my life. Not just seeking the good, but the best in others.
Gentleness – Speech and actions. Not just what I say or do but how I do it in the manner. To be gentle means to be approachable.
Faithfulness – Committed in my life, to the world, staying strong and not giving up. Not to turn my back on the Lord for some temporary happiness.
Self-Control – to be disciplined in how I act and speak, not rationally do things (different from hearing the voice of God and stepping out in faith) but disciplined.
Areas to work on? Gentleness, Patience, and a deep deep joy (not some happy face but true contentment in Him).
It’s not ironic at all that the walk about continual meditation on the Holy Spirit filling us would have a stream of water pretty much following us all the way to this last station before the end of the hike. I am sitting beside hearing the gushing, I haven’t spoken since 10am and it’s who knows what time right now. In Cambodia I wrote about the Lord filling me up as I pour out. The thing about a book is that it stays still and water is continually coming through, entering from the main source and goes through the next place and never stops at all. I see ourselves as a book, that I am here and God continually fills me by the Holy Spirit and I pray that you will fill me up with your love and joy, may it overflow and never cease. I pray for empowerment to do the work and ministry you’ve called me to do knowing well on my own that without you I will dry quickly and be nothing but an empty source of life. Water is a necessity to the body, and so you fill, the everlasting water Jesus says to the woman at the well is the necessity for me spiritually. Fill me no matter how that looks and let me overflow into others and all praise goes to you.
To be overflowing with God’s love is the highest point in our lives. Filling up, some people think some “gift” like speaking in tongues is the end, but it’s not. It’s empowerment and filling from the Lord that pours out.
(the bottom rocks are the ruins of a castle tower over a thousand years ago)
