Fill Me….

 

Our team leader expressed a vision.  It was of a water being poured into a clay pot, but it had holes in the bottom. Under each hole was another bucket getting the water out of those holes.  In reality, she was expressing her role as a leader, but it’s true for all of us. 

Jimmy McCarty, our training leader for the Race, told at training camp to ask the Lord to “work in us so that He can work through us”.  This journey has taught me so far, the incredible Power of God in ways I’ve never imagined.  Nothing is possible without Him, nothing!  I cannot love without being poured into with His love.  I cannot reach people for Christ without the Power of Christ living in me.  I cannot, but He can.  In all things, big and small, God is alive and working through us, but we can never expect to impact this world for Christ and bring Justice where there is none if we aren’t coming everyday to the Source of it all.  I’m beginning to pray, to listen, and to ask God for a serious pouring into my life the Spirit so that I can do that to others.  I am clay! Fragile!

I feel that I am near the point of breaking!  At home I am used to “accomplishments” or “titles” that have seemed to define ministry, but here I am asking the Lord to toss them and make me just soul naked in front of Him.  We’ve based success off things and every time we hear someone who’s about to speak, especially when at seminary, we always talked about their accomplishments, books written, education, and what they’ve done, and it’s almost made me think that it’s what I’ve done that matters. There are so many layers on me that need a lot of peeling to get to the core, and I can’t put anything into words about how I’ve felt the last few days except getting to that point of breaking!  No matter what good has been done for the glory of God, I feel as if I personally haven’t even started.  I truly desire for God to take me to the point that it’s ONLY me and the naked soul; only that part of me in front of Him will be all that counts.  I seriously can’t put it into words but He’s doing something.  One of my closest friends said it simply: Just Be!

Tonight I told my team about a vision that God gave me; which could explain what I feel right now.  I’m in a deep well and I’m sitting in this water level that is so low that you can only see just a glimpse of the light at top where “freedom” is.  There’s a small bucket and a long rope that reaches down to me, but I can’t fit in it.  So I’ve been trying the whole time to climb myself out from this deep deep well on this rough rope and I tire out so quickly; it’s just not working.  The Lord is showing me that in these last few weeks, most likely more, I haven’t been coming to Him and just asking Him to fill me, pour into me like He’s wanted to with His Spirit and Love.  When He does that, the water in the well will start to fill up and I will begin to float to the top, but as long as I keep trying to climb I’ll never make it. I can’t pour into others without first being poured into!

Maybe I’m coming to the point that these layers of whatever they are will come off.  I’ve been reading a lot of the Old Testament recently and I have come across the words “steadfast love” so much; almost every time it’s there from Genesis to Isaiah so far.  His love is strong, patient, He loves us no matter our past insecurities, and He loves us way too much to keep us “normal” and where we are when we can be so much more.  But, my trouble and many of us is that we keep trying to climb this rope, wearing ourselves out, instead of just asking God to pour in the water of His love, His Spirit, His Power, that we can float and realize it was never about us, our abilities, or our accomplishments.

This song has been my heartbeat these last couple of months; “Your Love Is Strong” by Jon Foreman.  If you’ve not heard it, then you need to, and I’m not kidding, because it helped me see the deep well of grace I’m in, but how much more I’m needing.

 

Heavenly Father, You always amaze me
Let Your kingdom in my world and in my life.
Give me the food I need to live through the day,
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me.
Lead me far from temptation, deliver me from the Evil One.
I look out the window, the birds are composing;
Not a note is out of tune or out of place.
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
That are dressed in any girl on her wedding day.
So why should I worry?  Why do I freak out? 
God knows what I need, You know what I need!

Our God in heaven hallowed be Thy name above all names!
Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven
Give us today our daily bread, forgive us weary sinners!