I’m going to try to be as candid as possible here. Although, this might be blasphemy.
The truth is this: I am tired of pursuing awe. I just don’t think it works. And I don’t think it is what God wants from me.
I am starting to think that our pursuit of awe is a clever poison of the Enemy.
Don’t hear me wrong! God is awesome. He is full of awe. He is jaw-dropping beauty and goose bumps of peace. He is lightning bolts of power and slaps of truth.
The problem with awe is not that God is not fully it but that I do not know how to fully recognize it. I pursue awe on my own terms. We pursue awe on our own terms. We can’t help it. We will never be in awe of suffering. We will never be dumb-struck by consistency. It just isn’t how we are wired. But the awesomeness of God dwells in such places.
More and more, I hear Christians suggest that we need to be continually fascinated with God. I’ve tried it. Spoiler alert: it is impossible. The nature of awe works against itself. Awe (in the way we define it) thrives on newness. It dies with familiarity. It wanes with consistency.
We Christians constantly try to be awed by God. And we cannot do it. We have adopted the idea that if we are not wide-eyed, then we are far from God. It disappoints us. It causes doubt and shame and drives us away from the heart of God. This is not because he is not awesome, nor is it our fault for not being good enough. It fails because we are trying to contain an Awe that will not be held by borders or expectations. Ironically, the very thing we are seeking keeps us from the most thrilling parts of God.
I’m in love with my wife. Sometimes, my love for her just hits me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I catch her in a certain light or see her doing something and it is like BAM! – I feel like I’m hit with love for the first time. So it is with God. But the vast majority of my days, I’m not in awe of my wife. I love her exceedingly, even in the mundane. There is a sense in which I value our time together, even when we are arguing or not even talking. It is not sexy or enthralling, but it is deeply true and incredibly intimate.
The problem is that we are pursuing the height of human emotion not the eternal truth of the Divine Being. We are in awe, not of who God is, but of the parts of God that excite us. There is more to God than our human emotion can understand. There is a beauty to his silence and affection in his mystery. We are called to trust him when we don’t understand and obey when we don’t like it. We are called to see the awe of God in everything.
The word for this is love. Love is appreciating the fullness of life by means beyond our understanding. We don’t need to be excited all the time. Lust is built on high emotion and lofty expectations. Lazarus dies a second time. The five thousand people who ate fish were hungry the next day. We’ve got to give up ending our fascination at the height of our emotion. It is love that endures forever.
Holy awe is a subtle business. It is about thankfulness rather than complaint. Content rather than comparison. Trust rather than triumph. Redemption rather than revenge. It is not always sexy. It is not always an awesome display of power. It is often the slow road, the subtle display of power. It is in everything. Everything.
My problem, as a Christian, is not that I am not excited enough to see God. My problem is that I see Him everywhere and have convinced myself it is not enough.
