We have been in Malaysia for a week. In a lot of ways, this is going to be a good month for transitioning back to America. We are in a tourist area with lots of good food, a comfortable bed and air conditioning, warm showers, and we can even flush the toilet paper! There is a Chili’s in town. We have internet at our fingertips again.
I kind of hate it.
On the other hand, we have a lot of great ministries we are involved in with YWAM Penang. We are helping at a homeless shelter (called Kawan, which means “friend”), in which I spend most of my time “guarding” the bathrooms, so as to deter any violence or drug use in there. I may not be the best person for deterring anything, but it is where God has me. It is actually a good spot to have conversations with the guys as they are waiting on an available shower. We are also working at a hospital with their fundraising department. We go around the hospital all day with a box and ask people to donate money to the fund they have to help heart patients who cannot afford their surgeries. It sounds pretty boring, and it is certainly not in my comfort zone, but it is actually quite fun getting creative with how to get peoples’ attention.
Both of our ministries end at around 2:00 everyday. Once again, I am faced with a slap-in-the-face, this-is-what-you-make-it kind of month. In Thailand and Cambodia, great and full ministry was forced on us. Here, it is up to me. I can have a miserably inactive day where I “feel far” from God because I am not doing earth-shattering thrilling things or the things I most want to do. And I have lots of free time.
Free time is devastating to a world racer. It exposes a lot about the heart of a disciple. What do I fight for when I am “off” of ministry (geez, lots of air quotes in this blog, eh?)? What does my heart most long for when things are not scheduled for me? What is my heart doing when nobody is looking?
I wish I could say with confidence that I will be making great choices with my freedom. It is what I long for. I say all the time, and I fully believe, that the Lord is in everything I do and available in all things. My choice is whether I will look straight at Him or be content with Him in my peripheral or shining brightly enough behind me.
The choices lay before me, in all their glory: western food, team time, contemplating my future, spiritual disciplines, naps, movies, books, writing, staring at the wall, feeling sorry for myself, doing laundry, etc., etc., etc. The Lord is in it all. That is the blessing of Grace. But what is my home base, the mothership that I decide out of: what I want and feel like OR what most praises and honors my King? That is the blessing of Glory. If Grace is enough yet more is available, where do I really want to be?
I love that God is God, no matter who I am. I hate that such a truth keeps me from being where I know I could be. My contentedness is fighting with my hunger. The beautiful thing is that God is love no matter what. He will be with me and be Lord of all eternity even if I ignore most of His Glory. And He will be no less or more God if I go on an all-out blitz to desperately act out of the motivation of His Glory. The difference is in my experience: do I want to visit Heaven or dwell therein.
Like I said, it is a good month to prepare for the transition back to America.
