As many of you know, I never had much interest in being a missionary. I grew up extremely active in the church and admired the work of missionaries, but the desire to go myself was never at all something I felt drawn toward. Obviously, at some point, God twirled me around and is tossing me all over the globe. But more on that later.
The truth is that I still don’t want to be a missionary. When I hear the term “missionary,” my pea-sized perspective has this certain image in mind. A lot of this is just me and my hang ups, but I think that there are some others that are weary of that image too. I wanted to write a blog about why I do NOT want to be a “missionary” in the sense that I sometimes understand it. My top three reasons are to follow. But let me first drop a couple disclaimers: one, these are not “what some people at my church” or “enemies of my calling” think, these are my own struggles to define mission work. Two, please be patient with me. I know these are flawed perspectives. I am longing to want something different, something more.
The first reason I do not want to be a missionary is because being a missionary is about traveling the world. I have even used the phrase “…traveling the world and doing mission work” when talking to potential supporters. Serving God shouldn’t be about vacationing in exotic locales. A big part of why I struggle with this is because of my ignorance. All I know of Peru is Machu Picchu, Angkor Wat in Cambodia, safari in Africa. The world has some pretty awesome things to do and see. But I don’t want a global vacation. Well, lets be honest, in some ways I do. Sightseeing is fun, but it is for tourists. I want to be involved with the Kingdom of God. I want more from the world than picturesque skylines, ancient buildings, and wild animals. Obviously, seeing the world and serving God are not mutually exclusive. Seeing these things CAN be worshipful. I have been to the Taj Mahal in India. It was an awesome experience to share with my brother. I left for India with that moment as the one I was most looking forward to, what I most desired. I don’t want that. When I returned from India, the Taj Mahal wouldn’t make the top 20 of my favorite experiences. I want more than an impressive photo album.
My second reason for not wanting to be a missionary is because I do not want to get stuck in that “realize how blessed I am” mindset. Working with teens, this is what I heard most in relation to mission work: “These kids need it. It will help them realize how blessed they are.” Get out of here with that, Satan! When did we buy in to the idea that having a down-comforter and a Taco Bell around the corner meant we are favored by God? Don’t get me wrong, there are atrocious sufferings around the world that I am so thankful have not struck me or my family. But isn’t the Gospel about more than me being healthy and safe? I am completely jealous of the way that God is alive and prevalent in some of the communities I have visited. Would I trade that for my “peace and comfort” at home? You bet. Because my “peace and comfort” at home are lies. It is an illusion. We suffer from the disease of apathy, drowning in indifference, trying to buy or eat or entertain our way out of depression and a longing for something only passionate praise for our Creator can satisfy. So much about mission work is feeding and serving physical needs/social justice issues. Which is why we get the perspective that America is the senders and the Third World the receivers. These are legitimate concerns that Christ cares deeply about. But if we operate on a physical-needs based model, we run the risk of running a superficial ministry with a superiority complex. Jesus’ ministry to the poor and sick is not (primarily) about miraculously meeting those physical needs. It is about the miraculous fact that Divinity cares enough about ALL people to bring them His teaching, His Presence, His Love. Remember how Jesus feeds the five thousand after teaching them all day? It isn’t about filling bellies; He does it to get that out of the way for the sake of the Main Purpose, feeding souls with His Teaching, His Presence, His Love. Too often, the work of a missionary (or at least the mindset) stops short of this. It is not enough to bring food to the hungry. We are called, all of us together, to hunger and thirst for righteousness! The people of the world are my brothers and sisters in Christ’s suffering, manifested in a variety of ways. They are also co-heirs as fellow sons and daughters of the Living God. We are, in all ways, equal. Blessed and challenge, in our own unique ways.
The final reason I don’t want to be a missionary is because I do not want to inflate my pride by believing I am called to “bring” the Gospel into a place that is lacking it. The Gospel is already there. Jesus lives and breathes through the people of the world already. The Kingdom is already global. Every single one of His children was created in the Divine Image and God is trying to awaken that, whether they realize it or not, in themselves and their community. Other cultures and other people have just as much to give as I do. There really should be more missionaries TO America, by the way. I am not the Great White Hope. I really don’t want to convert or convince. I want to serve, and celebrate, and love. In fact, what twirled me around in my attitudes toward missions was simply this: I went overseas and I saw God at work! I saw Him, the same Him that I worship at home, doing different, but the same, things in a world completely foreign to me in every other way. I wasn’t drawn to what the world was lacking, but to what it had already found. I don’t want to bring hope to the hopeless, because I know deep down that I am the hopeless. I can’t bring comfort to the downtrodden because I know deep down how much of the Comforter this downtrodden soul needs. I’m really not capable of saving the world, because I join everyone else on the globe, drowning in need of a Savior.
All this being said, I still am called to go. Why? Because God is Perfect. His Kingdom exists throughout the world. He can do what I cannot. He can balance all of these things together. Equipping me through my incapacity. Empowering me with His Calling yet humbling me through His Presence. Using me to serve others while using others to serve me, all of which ultimately serves Him.
I don’t want to be a missionary. I want to be a worshiper. I want to flee the troubling and confusing mindset I have toward missions, my life, and my role in each. And just praise my Beloved for who He is. I want to SHARE in His Kingdom with those around me. I want to be free from feeling like I need to know the answers and need to tell people what they are. My mission is not to help, my mission is to worship. To love.
One of the toughest questions I have gotten about mission work is “there is so much to do here, why not invest fully in your own backyard, why travel to far away places?” This is basically how I felt about missions for a long time: Although I thought it was a great endeavor, I was called to serve in my own backyard. But this whole idea is kind of like saying, “well, you love your wife at home, in your living room, why do you feel the need to go out on dates, to travel together? Why would you bother surprising her at her work or get involved in her interests outside of home? Why do you feel the need to meet her family and friends, even the ones far away? There is plenty of ways to work on your relationship with her at home, in your living room, why all this additional fuss?”
The answer is that love is all-consuming. It is a both-and, not an either-or. We are called to love, to serve, and to worship wherever we are. To go where our Beloved beckons. To be worshipers. I do not want to do the World Race to travel the world and see the sights, to get a perspective on thankfulness so that I can crawl back in to my cocoon and wipe my brow in relief, or even to change the world. I just want to love my Jesus. To share in His sufferings and His joys to the very ends of the earth and the very depths of my soul. I want to worship Him, not on this mountain or that one, but in Spirit and in Truth. In all things and in all places.
I’m sorry, Lord, for the ways my imperfect heart has tried to taint Your calling. I don’t want to be a missionary. I don’t really want to be anything. I just want to love You.
