I Have a Heart Problem.

I feel like a dagger is being stabbed into my heart, and with every breath that I take, it gets twisted and pushed deeper. I’m surrounded by people, but I’ve never felt more alone. No one seems to hear the desperate cries of my heart, or see past the facade. I’m spiritually dying, and last night, I discovered the source of the problem.

 

 

An orphan heart is where one lives like they don’t have a home. They don’t feel safe anywhere. They don’t feel loved, which leads them to pursue counterfeit affections that never really satisfy the pain. They feel all alone. In “Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship,” Jack Frost puts it like this:

 

 

I’m almost ashamed to say this because I know it’s a lie, but I don’t feel like anyone truly loves me… I’ve shut my heart down to love somewhere along the way, and I’m numb. I refuse to let people love me because I’m scared for them to get too close. I don’t want to get hurt. I’m scared of pouring out my heart to someone and not being understood and then my legit feelings getting swept under the rug with a stupid cliche. I’m scared of that response to this post. The thing is though, I long to be loved – not for what I do, how I dress, or the facade I portray – just for who I am.

 

These feelings have found their way into my relationship with God. I know the common verses. I know the principles. I know that God is my Hosea, and I’m His Gomer. I know that… But I feel like He doesn’t love me. I just can’t feel it. His love is not real to my heart anymore, and it’s killing me. With the orphan heart, He becomes a “master to appease” instead of a Father who loves me no matter what. I’ve been through the motions of reading my devotion and praying because I felt like I had to appease Him. It hasn’t been out of sheer love and delight lately. I’ve had a really hard time trusting God lately when He says “I love you.” I don’t even really love myself anymore. How could he love me? How could He see me as beautiful? Why is He supplying this money for this trip? I’m not worthy. 

 

I’ve tried to appease this feeling of not being loved with counterfeit affections. No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to break free from pornography and homosexual feelings. I’ve tried, and nothing seems to be working. I’ve baptized my computer battery in frustration, gone to counseling, tried accountability, signed a commitment, tried consequences for falling, and I’ve prayed. It’s beyond frustrating, and I’m tired. I just want to feel loved, and until I get that powerful revelation of God’s love in my heart, I will never be free. Through these things, what I’m really seeking is the love that only God can give me. I just can’t get it into my heart though. I’ve also tried to people please to try to find that love by dressing nice or by posting clever stuff on Facebook. Nothing’s working.

 

I’m tired of trying harder… I just want to fall back into the arms of my Father and feel His love and embrace. I’ve tried to replace those arms with the arms of another guy, but it’ll never appease my soul. I want to feel loved. I want to feel pursued. I just want to be held and just let loose and cry the tears that never seem to come. I want to feel like God’s son instead of God’s slave.