Yesterday as a few of the locals and I were toying around with a drum, I was asked to sing while one of them drummed. And I resented the offer. I’m afraid of expressing myself, especially when I feel that God may be asking me to be the only one at first. Someone told me a while ago that I have a decent voice. But I’m afraid of stepping out and sharing what God has given me. Because somehow deep down inside I have a fear of showing everything about who I am to others – and I think being ashamed? Africans dance quite a bit even during worship, and a fear inside of me often wells up tempting me to lock up and want to just tune out. I’d rather just sit in the back than lose myself like everyone else. And I wonder if that’s exactly what my enemy wants me to do. Yet I need to lose my selfishness and pride.
I think a large part of what we’re able to do as men when Christ lives within us is to step out and lead doing things that we’re uncomfortable doing. And often times that requires us feeling like we’re losing our dignity. Brennan Manning in the Ragamuffin Gospel notes that
“Honesty before God requires the most fundamental risk of faith we can take: the risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our dignity. To bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as God is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life.”
I think when we realize this we do have the power to lead when it feels like we might fail.
I read a quote in one of John Eldredge’s books a while ago that said we are afraid of becoming who we are. And I never understood that before. I was afraid who I really was wasn’t worth anything. But maybe I’m understanding what he’s saying now. Because becoming more of who were really are requires feeling like we’re losing ourselves – the facade that we’re comfortable with hiding our true self – that is amazing when it is transformed by Christ.
